Saturday, November 24, 2012

I'm Learning to Breathe

   Wow, it has been a few months since I have blogged. It's honestly probably for the best because honestly, I think my posts would have been nothing but dark and sadness, and that's just not me. Most who have read my Facebook posts until recently have probably picked up that I haven't been my normal upbeat, positive self.

  The transition from Tennessee to Kentucky was a lot harder than I thought. I was very emotional because a lot of reminders of Patrick still surfaced even hours away. When football season started, I was watching the Alabama game at Bdubs, and I just found myself crying at the bar. My heart started breaking all over again because I just couldn't help but think of how much I loved watching football with Patrick and his family. Then, I found out he had already met someone new...I found myself so angry. I was asking God how in the world could a man who told me how I am not good enough be able to find love, and here I was so alone.  On top of that, the move put me in a huge financial bind. I was struggling, and I didn't want to show it. So I stayed in my apartment, power eating, crying, and thinking, "Patrick was right...about everything. I am not going to be loved."  Things at work were not going well...I was losing my drive to want to do my best. At first, I thought I had a solid support system just to find out I had none.

  About a month ago, I decided to move back up to Indiana when my lease is up in Paducah. I am missing out on so much of my family & friend's lives, and I don't feel at home here. When I was home in July, I felt that I belonged there again. I have so many people up in the midwest that love me & are there for me. I don't regret my decision of moving away for a second because it made me who I am today. I grew so much and learned so much about myself. It was just time for me to be closer to home. Shortly after I made this decision, things at work were getting worse. I felt myself crashing to an all time low emotionally. I felt the darkness set in, and I honestly questioned if I was ever going to see light in my life.

 A little over a week ago, my aunt Beth passed away. It wasn't expected, and my heart is still very broken over this loss. I was blessed to be able to be there for my uncle & cousins, but I felt so guilty. When Beth found out Patrick & I had broken up, she encouraged me to take time away and visit her & Bob or go to the beach house. Instead, I consumed myself in work, taking for granted that she would be there later down the road. I held it together pretty well (I think) during the service. It was in the bathroom or in the car where I let out the sobs. The silver lining was I was able to re-connect with my family & see my cousin Beau who has been living in South Korea. I also go to meet his wife, Heather who I just love. She is beautiful inside & out. She actually helped me realize one of the most important things about myself.

The day after I returned from Georgia, I was a mess. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the pain in my chest was almost unbearable. I just cried, and cried, and cried. I looked into the mirror at myself...and it dawned on me. Heather & I were talking of past relationships, and she mentioned how she felt comfortable in her own skin and where her life was before she met Beau. If you can't be comfortable with who you are, then you won't be comfortable with anyone else. There it was. I could spend the rest of my life blaming everything that has happened in my life, angry at God because I don't understand what His plan for me is at this time, or for Patrick kicking me down leaving me broken hearted and feeling bad about myself. Where will that get me? Absolutely nowhere. The problem wasn't of the life events I went through...It was me! I was not loving myself. I was destroying myself in every possible way. So on the night of Friday November 16, 2012, I prayed and talked with God asking for guidance & strength as I learned to truly love myself and live for Him. The next day, I woke up, and I felt as if a thousand pounds was lifted off my chest. I had never felt more at peace than I did that morning. It was time to take care me.

I know it's only been a week since this self admission took place, but I am on the road to a much better & happier me. I am blessed that what I do not like about myself I am able to change (health, financial, love, etc.) I just have to learn to breathe and take one day at a time.

So, here is to my final week of my 20's as I turn 30 next Saturday. I will be in LaPorte celebrating with my family & friends, and spending a week of catching up with those that I love & care about. I think 30 will be my year. I am looking forward to all the positive things in my life, and I will stand strong against the negative.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Here We Go Again On My Own

Hellooooooooooooooo Paducah! This week starts off my first week at my new store here in Paducah, Kentucky. For the time being, I am staying at a hotel, and enjoying cable television. I just went grocery shopping today because as awesome as it may sound, eating out two of the three meals a day suuuuuuucks! Not only does it burn a hole in my wallet, but it's burning a hole in my stomach. Ugh!

I am up for a lot of hard work for my store, but I am up for the challenge. I already know I will have nights where I will cry, throw air punches, kick imaginary people, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I have an amazing support system, and I am truly blessed no matter how bad things may seem in my eyes. My career downside is that I am very hard on myself with expectations. That could be a bad thing while I get this store in order...I may have to learn to relax just a little.

One of the many amazing things about my store is that it has a Stay Fit 24! That means I have no freaking excuse to not work out because the gym is literally right next door! I get a free membership since I am a Family Video employee. Oh yes, I should mention, Stay Fit 24 is a division of the Family Video company. Selected stores have it, and it's awesome! The equipment is fabulous and it's not overcrowded. Plus, members do get perks on the video store side so it's a win/win! I'm pretty stoked about being able to workout more consistantly. You know that 100 day challenge I was doing? Yeah...got delayed. I know, I know. Why do you think I went grocery shopping today?

Today I signed my lease to the apartment I will be living in. I am pretty stoked about it. It's got a pool...


Outside of the apartment, it looks..well...not good! My friend Nina and I spent a good five minutes tearing it apart, but then when the manager showed us the inside the apartment you could hear the angles sing! It's an older building, and they are currently remodeling the inside then out. I decided to get a two bedroom apartment just so that I have an extra space for visitors *wink wink nudge nudge*

Okay, I need to go to bed, but I will update my adventure as it goes along. I have a lot of things that I would like to accomplish during this transition :)


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Sunday, July 22, 2012

Little Victories

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve blogged! Tonight, I need to kick off the week with positive energy. My heart has been very heavy for the past few days because of the awful things happening to the good people around me. I have been keeping those who are hurting in my thoughts & prayers every day hoping God will help get them through their grief while having those hurting keep their faith. I know it’s difficult to keep strong in faith when something terrible happens in your life. We don’t understand, and in return, we are angry with God. Believe me, I know. However, God is there to help you get through it, He is there for you to talk to, yell at, or cry to, and love you. I don’t think what has happened is always God’s will as some people state, but I know He is there to help you grieve and heal.
Anyways, back to my subject line, little victories! Too often I look at the big picture of my goals thinking I am getting nowhere, and I ignore the little victories I have. For example, at the checkout at Wal-Mart last week, I was ready to grab some sort of candy that I didn’t really need, but it was just there. I managed to tell myself “No! You’re not even hungry!” I gave myself a mental high five. Getting a snack at the checkout line is a habit. Point for me! On my way to work, I got to listen to a sermon from the church I used to go to with Patrick (hooray for iPhone apps!). I may not get to read the Bible every day, but at least I used my driving time for God. I still have a long way to go in that department.  Finally, today, for the first time ever, I went to the movies by myself. I used to think how silly that was because I usually had a friend or a boyfriend to go to the movies with. The Dark Knight Rises came out this weekend (in case you sleep under a rock and wasn’t aware of that), and I really wanted to go see it. I had today off, and figured, why not? I had a lot of fun laughing and crying and sometimes talking to myself. I’ve decided I need to get out more, and I don’t always have to be with someone to do so.  I am not going to make new friends by sitting on my couch surfing Facebook all the time, and we all know my track record with meeting people online. I like feeling independent and not needing to have someone with me.
I am one step closer to completely healing from me & Patrick’s break up. I listened to a few songs I have been avoiding for the first time the other night, and I didn’t cry or get a heart punch. I was pleasantly surprised because these were songs I cried to while I was with Patrick because they were so sweet (Five for Fighting “I Just Love You”, Brad Paisley “Then” are just a couple.) We usually danced to these songs together. Not one urge to shed a tear. Also, I was cancelling my match.com account since I have no desire to ever go back on there to find love again, and I got curious…yep, I searched to see if Patrick maybe put himself out there. Sure enough, there was his profile! I admit, I started shaking when I clicked on his pictures…I wasn’t sure how I was going to react or how I should. Thankfully, once again, no urge to cry or heart punches. Little victories.
Me and MyFitnessPal and I are about to become BFF. My friend Ben has been blogging all sorts of different challenges he has done from giving up bad habits to becoming a vegan for a week. It’s honestly very admirable to read about these adventures, and it inspired me.  I want to do a challenge that I could actually do and not fail after two days. So, I am going to do the 100 day challenge with him which is pretty much writing everything I consumer and logging when I exercise, and having a daily summary of how I am doing. I will weigh myself once a week just so I don’t get pissed off if I don’t see the numbers going down. This is why Weight Watchers worked, and also when I kicked ass, I could share it and hear/read words of praise and encouragement. I need to get my healthy habits back and stop eating junk. Here’s to the little and big victories over the next 100 days!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Home is Where the Heart is...For a Little While

  I have been visiting my family and friends in LaPorte since this past Monday. It has been wonderful catching up with them since most of them I haven't seen since May '11. I still feel 7 days is not enough time for a visit since there are still so many people I have yet to see. If you are one of those people, I am so sorry. I will be back in November for Thanksgiving (hopefully) and who knows, maybe my next move will be closer to LaPorte.
  Aside from my nice vacation, I have kept busy with work. I started training another MIT, which I am very excited about. Wednesday we will be organizing and cleaning the store, which will help me tremendously so I can concentrate on training the staff. I am enjoying my time off now because I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have two new hires starting this month, and will be looking to hire a few more.
  At the end of August, I will be moving. Where? I have no idea right now. It honestly can be anywhere. My Regional Manager asked me if I had any restrictions of where to go, and I told him no. I could honestly use the fresh start. Then, as I spent more time here, I realized how much I miss my family and friends. That made me wonder if there was room at the LaPorte store for me. On the flip side, I get reminded why I moved in the first place.
  I have a problem of being too open with my heart. I know, it's been a little over a month since Patrick and I broke up, and sure I am still healing, but that doesn't mean if someone doesn't come into my life I am going to immediately push it away. Well, now maybe I might...because each time it seems that I just get hurt and pissed off at the end. I'm sick of feeling as if something is wrong with me when I know that is not the case.
  I have learned even more about myself when it comes to what I look for in a guy. My dating history has been me as the guy's first girlfriend. Like I have molded them to find what they want in their next girl. I'm so over that. I want a guy who has dated before, who likes sports as much as I do, outgoing, can make me laugh, is family oriented, and I'm sure I will think of more later down the line. Right now I am in the mindset that all men are assholes. Just in my world. I know us girls can be crazy, and I am not saying every man out there is...just in my world right now. I will continue to think that until someone can prove me wrong.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Not losing any sleep, I've picked up every piece, and landed on my feet


Wow...it has been close to two weeks since the break up. Time has really flown by! I think I am doing a good job with keeping myself busy with my job as well as trying to better myself. I grieved the relationship for a good week, and it is now time to pick myself back on and move on.

It's been three days since my last cry. It's hard when I am talking about the why of the break up because of how I perceive it. I still get the heart punches now and then, but it's nothing I can't handle. I think little things will remind me of Patrick, and I will get little heart punches. I just won't let it bring me down.

I should disclaim for Patrick's sake, that I was his first serious girlfriend. I have a thing of having a dating history of guys who have never been in a real relationship. Lucky for them, what has been the case for my exes is the next girl they have met has ended up being who they married. Unlucky for me, I am left brokenhearted and still single. Anyways, my point of this disclaimer is he is not experienced with how this whole break up should be handled. He contacted a friend/coworker of mine via Facebook asking for my address so he could mail me more things I have left behind. I was a little ticked and also just ugh about it. I ended up sending him the mailing address to the video store since I am never at the apartment during office hours. I am honestly wondering what he will be sending me. I am hoping it's honestly things I left that he feels I will need and not giving me everything I ever gave him...that would probably break my heart all over again.

I have been trying to get a workout routine going, and this week has been going really well! After tomorrow, I will have put in a little over 60 hours of work, and still managed to fit time to work out and sleep. Yay me! I want to share with you some of the goals that I have over the next few months. It will help keep me accountable since I have so many amazing readers, family, and friends that support me and love me.

Goals for June-August
Health: Lose 25 pounds (by end of August. It may vary..I just wanted to make sure I averaged 2lbs/week), get at least 7 hours of sleep each night, make it to the gym 3 days a week, and cook something new.
Financial: Get my $500 emergency fund & start the credit card snowball
Faith: Start reading Bible for Life (A reading program via Brentwood Baptist. I can still access sermons and such via internet & podcast. I really loved that church) and pray every day.
Family/Friends: Try to keep contact with everyone at least once a week, and visit someone each month.

I made a poster, and it's hanging on my fridge for me to see every day. So far, it seems to be working!

It's so crazy to think...I thought I had the rest of my life figured out and my friend for life. Now, I am starting over...at first I hated that thought. I'll be 30 in December, and back to the single life. However now, anything is possible. I've decided online dating is no longer for me. Those who have seen me through my online guys know why. This failed relationship is just the final sign that I need to get out more and meet people. I will embrace these three months in Manchester and enjoy the company of my friends. Then, when I am off to my next place, I am going to get to know my city and enjoy what it offers.

I am so excited for July! I am taking a vacay from July 3rd-9th, and heading up to my hometown of LaPorte, Indiana to visit my family and friends. It will be a long overdue vacay with lots of fun to be had. Til then I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. It seems to be working :)

Thursday, May 31, 2012

How Did I Read the Stars so Wrong?

Day 2: Don't worry, I am not going to blog each day after this break up. I feel this may be my therapy for awhile so I don't feel like I am repeating myself to every person. I hate breaking down in front of people. I know it's okay too, but I just hate it. I am all smiles, but so far, I am all tears.

I know this break up has come to be a surprise for a lot of my friends and family. Patrick and I rarely fought, we always seemed happy, and I thought this was going to be forever. So what happened? I am sure that when he was telling me how he wasn't happy with me Monday night, I was listening with angry and heartbroken ears. He was ready to start his life, and he felt I was emotionally ready, but everywhere else I wasn't. He didn't want to marry me until I had my college degree which could be five years until that happened...he didn't want to wait that long. Our work schedules never went together, and he doesn't want to be Mr. Mom when we have kids. The way I react to my ankle...how I am in such pain when I get home but while working (from what he has seen) I am just fine. In could go on, but all in all....I'm not good enough. I'm not debt free...not even close. Of course I am working towards it, but it won't happen overnight. I am not healthy...my ankle gives me hell, and I am sure as I continue to lose weight it will get better. To me, Patrick feels he can find someone who is in better shape than me all around that has a Monday-Friday 8am-5pm job. I'm not trying to make him an asshole, and I know that perception is reality. However, I am failing to look at this any other way. He just kept digging for reasons for this not to work. I have lost the energy to fight. Being long distance was hard...we couldn't keep consistent with our habits. I told him it would get easier once we lived together. He didn't' want that either.

I put my notice at Old Navy today. There honestly is no point of working there anymore since my plans have changed. My last day there is tomorrow. I'm really bummed because I did enjoy that job. However, other opportunities have knocked, and I am going to take it. One of the silver linings of this break up is now the sky is the limit with where I can go. These past few months, I have been sweating the fact that there were no plans for a Family Video to be built in the Spring Hill area. When August came, would I have a store to go to? Now, who cares?! I can go anywhere! I want to move up and eventually be a district manager. Now, I am not restricted!

Driving home from work tonight was more difficult than I thought. When working at Old Navy, I'd stay at Patricks. So, when I drove past the exit I would usually take to go to his house, the heart crushing began. You know that feeling where it feels like someone has grabbed your heart, wrung it out like a sponge, then punch you in the chest which knocks the wind out of you and you can barely breathe? That is how I feel about 10 times throughout the day and also how I felt when I drove by that exit. It's gotta get easier, right?

I have been blessed with so much support via texts, messages, and calls. It's not easy to talk about, but if I keep it bottled up, I may explode. If I keep repeating the story, I may explode. Patrick wasted no time to list himself as single, remove my friends & family from his friends list. I know me...I would torture myself if I kept him as a friend. Therefore, I removed him as well as his friends and family. I wasn't doing it to be childish. I didn't want his friends to feel the need to choose. Besides, they were his friends before he met me. I will miss them dearly. One of the couples we hung out with are expecting a baby boy in October. I was excited to plan a baby shower for the mom to be.

I guess the next step in the process of getting over this is just to focus on me. Figure out what I want to do. Make goals for myself health, financial, career, and personal. Focus on building stronger relationships with God, my family, and my friends. I am hoping to make a trip up to LaPorte during 4th of July. It will be nice to get away.

I should make it known that the 2 years and almost 3 months with Patrick will be cherished. I have no regrets. Of course the bitter side of me wants to say it was a waste, but I am grateful for the time we had together. God knows how much I am going to miss him and the people who was in my life that he introduced me to along the way. I feel not only did I lose him but I lost another family. I lost a part of my life I was so looking forward to living.

This is so difficult for me to type. I've had about three breakdowns along the way. I really wish my dad was here. I want to just call him and have him tell me what a fool Patrick is and any guy would only be so lucky to have me...imperfections and all. Since my dad died I have had a constant battle with myself when it comes to romance and relationships. With each failure, I feel that something is wrong with me...like I'm unloveable. I know it's absurd to think such a thing. I do recognize that I am a great person with a lot to offer.

Yeah, I think it's time to get me to be happy with me. Then, that inner battle I have with myself will cease. It's time to be comfortable in my own skin and get by on my own. I just need to make sure babysteps are taken....babystep 1. Let all the tears out

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Going down down down!

Wow it has been a long time since I have updated! Patrick and I survived the 9 day detox. I lost 12 pounds and he lost 11. We have been on phase 2 since Wednesday which means we can have a little bit of meat, some unsweetened cereal and more oatmeal along with the other foods from detox. As of today, I am down 14.2 pounds. I am feeling great! My urge to pig out has decreased greatly,and I have had little urge to cheat. I have been faced with temptation and kept strong. All in all, I am very proud of me and Patrick. I honestly don't think I could have done it alone. I am blessed to have a supportive man in my life who supports me and helps me get to healthy.
Along with feeling better about myself inside and out, I have felt honored to inspire others. That keeps me motivated to keep going and continue to share my success. I still have a long road ahead but I know I can continue going down down down in weight and up up up in confidence.
For those who are curious about the plan I am following I will leave the link that has all the info. It is called the Fat Smash diet. If you are familiar with the show Celeb Fit Club that was on VH1, this is the plan they followed as well. http://diet.com/g/fat-smash-diet
Have a blessed week, everyone!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Time for a Detox!

  It has been a while since I have blogged. It was a mixture of being busy with work and being lazy while I was home. When I was done working, I wanted to end the night by doing absolutely nothing, so I did. Now I am wrapping up my third and final day off until Thursday. I figured, it's time to be more productive!
  My weight loss adventure has been up and down. I'd be lying if I said I was tracking EVERYTHING I ate or that I was 100% good. I wasn't. It's been two weeks since I have worked out, and it sucks. I don't get as much of a work out at work because I have to sit whenever I am not showing a customer where a movie is or showing them around the store. All in all, I am stuck in a rut. Therefore, starting tomorrow I am doing Phase 1 of the Fat Smashers Diet which is a nine day long detox. It consists of eating as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I want, drinking all the water I can, limited oatmeal, brown rice, yogurt, egg whites, etc. I did it before a few years back, and I felt really good afterwards. The first few days are the most difficult because I cannot have coffee, but I can have tea. It's cleansing, healthy, and it helps me get back in the habit of eating well. Not to mention, lent begins Wednesday, and Patrick & I have decided to give up soda and candy. This will be a great start!
  My IPod Nano got an accidental wash in the laundry on Friday. It worked for a little bit, then fizzed out. Being upset at myself was an understatement. Fortunately, Patrick has an extra IPod he is going to give to me so that I may have music to work out to. He's so good to me! Time for me to add IPod touch to my wish list!
 Wish me luck these next nine days! I am excited to the results and also how good I will feel. Til then, have a great week!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Hello? Can Anyone Hear Me?

  Sometimes, I feel invisible to some people that are extremely important to me, and it breaks my heart. How to handle it,  I have no idea. I know I am not the best at responding to calls, messages, etc but I do try. I know we are all busy and have lives, but at the same time, is 5-10 minutes for a quick call too much to ask for?
 I feel so alone sometimes, and I get to a breaking point where I am ready to just move to Spring Hill already so I don't miss out on spending time with friends I have made through Patrick. We started this monthly get together with three other couples, and already I missed out on the first one. I could make a nice list of other events I have missed out on. There just comes a time when you are ready to share your life with the person you love together, in the same area, and I am there.
 On a happier note, I lost 2.6 pounds this past week, making it a total of 9.2 pounds down. I am hoping for the 10 pound mark next week!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Let the Healing Begin!

  This week I receied a device to start the healing of my ankle. It's called a bone stimulator, and I get to wear it 10 hours a day! I don't feel anything, but I am worried I am not wearing it right...Imagine trying to put an elbow pad around your ankle. I get to follow up with the doctor in about six weeks to check on the progress.
  I lost 3.8 pounds this past week, and I was very pleased! I am on a good path, and so is Patrick. We even inspired one of his co-workers to join Weight Watchers. It feels good to have that kind of inspiration...it makes me want to keep going so I can keep inspiring. This week, I have had nothing but the munchies, but I've managed to keep on track. I am aiming to workout 5 days this week.
   A couple nights ago, I had a dream with my dad in it. It's been awhile since I've had a  dream with him in it..they feel so real when I do though. It breaks my heart all over again. The only thing I remember in the dream was it took place at a job fair/health convention, and my dad was invited to speak as a motivational speaker for runners. When I saw him, I ran up to him, and hugged him while bawling my eyes out. I didn't want to let go. An onlooker asked "What is going on there?" Someone replied, "He's been dead for almost 10 years." like it was nothing. When I dream of my dad, it makes me realize how much I do miss him. Especially when it's coming close to time for me to get married, have kids, and he won't be there. It's almost like when I am moving on or if there is an important moment in my life coming up, I am reminded he is still there.
  Looking on a brighter note, I am off work for the next 4 days, and I am loving it! Today I am hoping to clean the apartment and get my laundry done. Then I can relax the rest of the weekend in a nice and clean apartment. Here's to a great weekend!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Turning Crap Into Lemonade

  The last few days I have been an emotional roller coaster. It really started yesterday...a combination of wanting to spend time with the boyfriend and being reminded how I can sometimes suck at my job. I felt so small yesterday, and today I am just scared.

  Today I went to my ankle doctor to go over my MRI results. Good news: It's no longer a coalition which means chances of surgery have slimmed dramatically. He is going to have the radiologist look at the MRI again just to be sure. What I do have is a bruised bone in my ankle, and there is a lot of stress around that area. In the future I will be getting a bone stimulator, and I have to be in the boot until God knows when. I should be pain free in 6-12 months. I cried...I wanted to complete the Chicago Marathon by my 30th birthday, but I don't even know if I can run at all. When I do heal, I will get shoe inserts to wear at all times. Patrick (my boyfriend) was there to make me smile...at least I will be pain free one day, right?

  I am scared more than anything...the doctor says I need to keep off my feet as much as possible, but I work a job that makes it impossible to do so. I want to do the best at my job, but I am afraid I won't...like physically. Mentally, I am all about trying to get things done...I guess this will be a nice challenge for me. It's time to really count on my team, train them for success, and follow up with every delegation.

  Patrick and I went shopping today. I refrained from clothing stores because I knew I would go and buy unnecessary outfits that I don't need. I did buy new shoes to work out in and shape ups by Sketchers. It feels a lot better than the Reebok Retones. The Sketchers are a lot like the boot I have to wear. It was a nice day with Patrick...every time I wanted to cry, he would make me smile. I am really lucky to have him in my life. He is such a blessing. He is the master of turning crap into lemonade.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Missing: Motivation

This week's weigh in, I was up 2.8 pounds. I was expecting a gain, but I was still left frustrated. So, I was ready to take the current week head on. I was determmined to track everything, get to the gym for a nice work out stat, and get myself organized. So far, I have failed to do 2 out of the 3. On my days off work, I find myself wanting to do absolutely nothing. I just want to stay in my pj's, watch movies, and snuggle with Bruizer. I need to snap out of it!
 My question to you awesome readers are, what do you do to motivate yourself?
 I guess it's a good thing that I am finishing up the 2nd season of One Tree Hill, and I don't have the 3rd season in my possession yet.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Introducing....me!

  Happy New Year to all! I can't believe it is 2012 already...2011 flew by way too fast! I decided to create this blog as this is the year I turn 30, and this is also going to be the year where I find myself in a better, happier place.
  We all say it...every year that we're going to lose weight or get rich or do this or do that. This blog will help me hold myself accountable. I have found that when I share my journey, I keep motivated. Even if times get tough or I am not having a good week, people help me get back on track. So, if you are reading this, and you continue to do so, thank you. It means more to me than you know.
  This is the year that I turn 30...December 1st. There are a few goals that I would like to see accomplished! Some are big, some are small, but I want this year to be the start of happiness. By that, I mean I am happy with ME...my body, my finances, my job, myself.
 First, is my health. All of my life, I have struggled with my weight. It wasn't so bad while I played basketball, but now that those days are way behind, it's been a roller coaster. It's to a point where I don't take pictures because I fear how I look or fly somewhere because of the fear that I may not be able to buckle the seat belt. It's time to stop letting food control my life and take control of my health! I recently rejoined Weight Watchers Online because that helps a lot. It also helps that my boyfriend Patrick has joined along with me. I don't have a certain amount I want to lose just yet, but as long as I get healthier, I will be happy.
 Next, finances. I need to stop spending on the wants. It's time to turn to Dave Ramsey! I am a spending fool, and I keep finding myself cheating the system by knowing how long it takes certain businesses to cash checks so that I may get food or put gas in my car. I should not be living like this! This holiday season I turned to credit cards to afford gifts for my family and loved ones. Again, HUGE no no. I'm trying to get out of debt, not deeper in it. This will be a challenge..especially when it comes to wanting jewelry, clothes, etc. I suppose I can turn that into a rewards system with my weight loss!
  A few other small goals is to capture moments with Patrick, my friends, and my family. I barely took pictures in 2011...I want to try to take at least one picture a day whether it's of me, Patrick, or something beautiful. I want to share my life in Tennessee to my friends who I don't get to see often. I want to manage my time better...when I leave work, I leave! I need to fit working out into my daily schedule, also get enough sleep, keep my apartment clean, organize, spend time with Bruizer. I want to keep in better touch with my friends and family. I also want to be a better manager and be able to teach my staff more so that my job doesn't get out of control stressful.
 So throughout this year, I will share my triumphs and my troubles, my smiles and my tears. Here is to an amazing year with lots of changes (hopefully all good changes) to come!