I'm Learning to Breathe

   Wow, it has been a few months since I have blogged. It's honestly probably for the best because honestly, I think my posts would have been nothing but dark and sadness, and that's just not me. Most who have read my Facebook posts until recently have probably picked up that I haven't been my normal upbeat, positive self.

  The transition from Tennessee to Kentucky was a lot harder than I thought. I was very emotional because a lot of reminders of Patrick still surfaced even hours away. When football season started, I was watching the Alabama game at Bdubs, and I just found myself crying at the bar. My heart started breaking all over again because I just couldn't help but think of how much I loved watching football with Patrick and his family. Then, I found out he had already met someone new...I found myself so angry. I was asking God how in the world could a man who told me how I am not good enough be able to find love, and here I was so alone.  On top of that, the move put me in a huge financial bind. I was struggling, and I didn't want to show it. So I stayed in my apartment, power eating, crying, and thinking, "Patrick was right...about everything. I am not going to be loved."  Things at work were not going well...I was losing my drive to want to do my best. At first, I thought I had a solid support system just to find out I had none.

  About a month ago, I decided to move back up to Indiana when my lease is up in Paducah. I am missing out on so much of my family & friend's lives, and I don't feel at home here. When I was home in July, I felt that I belonged there again. I have so many people up in the midwest that love me & are there for me. I don't regret my decision of moving away for a second because it made me who I am today. I grew so much and learned so much about myself. It was just time for me to be closer to home. Shortly after I made this decision, things at work were getting worse. I felt myself crashing to an all time low emotionally. I felt the darkness set in, and I honestly questioned if I was ever going to see light in my life.

 A little over a week ago, my aunt Beth passed away. It wasn't expected, and my heart is still very broken over this loss. I was blessed to be able to be there for my uncle & cousins, but I felt so guilty. When Beth found out Patrick & I had broken up, she encouraged me to take time away and visit her & Bob or go to the beach house. Instead, I consumed myself in work, taking for granted that she would be there later down the road. I held it together pretty well (I think) during the service. It was in the bathroom or in the car where I let out the sobs. The silver lining was I was able to re-connect with my family & see my cousin Beau who has been living in South Korea. I also go to meet his wife, Heather who I just love. She is beautiful inside & out. She actually helped me realize one of the most important things about myself.

The day after I returned from Georgia, I was a mess. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the pain in my chest was almost unbearable. I just cried, and cried, and cried. I looked into the mirror at myself...and it dawned on me. Heather & I were talking of past relationships, and she mentioned how she felt comfortable in her own skin and where her life was before she met Beau. If you can't be comfortable with who you are, then you won't be comfortable with anyone else. There it was. I could spend the rest of my life blaming everything that has happened in my life, angry at God because I don't understand what His plan for me is at this time, or for Patrick kicking me down leaving me broken hearted and feeling bad about myself. Where will that get me? Absolutely nowhere. The problem wasn't of the life events I went through...It was me! I was not loving myself. I was destroying myself in every possible way. So on the night of Friday November 16, 2012, I prayed and talked with God asking for guidance & strength as I learned to truly love myself and live for Him. The next day, I woke up, and I felt as if a thousand pounds was lifted off my chest. I had never felt more at peace than I did that morning. It was time to take care me.

I know it's only been a week since this self admission took place, but I am on the road to a much better & happier me. I am blessed that what I do not like about myself I am able to change (health, financial, love, etc.) I just have to learn to breathe and take one day at a time.

So, here is to my final week of my 20's as I turn 30 next Saturday. I will be in LaPorte celebrating with my family & friends, and spending a week of catching up with those that I love & care about. I think 30 will be my year. I am looking forward to all the positive things in my life, and I will stand strong against the negative.

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