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So Long, Age 34! P.S. It's Okay to Ask For Help

Today is my last day as a 34 year old.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and this subject has been weighing on my mind and heart.  I wanted to share this personal story not to seek attention or sympathy, but to hope that I help someone who is struggling.  I've been seeing a lot of news about suicides and attempted suicides which breaks my heart, and this year I became more active in suicide prevention and mental health awareness. During my 35th year of life, I hope to continue to help and be more involved. This is where I'm starting...here is my story.

  Please bear with me as I've written and deleted this a hundred times because I wasn't ready. This is me not holding back...and a lot of those close to me probably don't know this side of me or didn't realize how deep it ran. Here I go...

  I've known/lost three people to suicide, and I've known people who have lost loved ones to suicide.  The hardest one for me to deal with was my fathe…

Getting Stronger Every Day

I am approaching the 5th month into my journey to a healthy me, and I am amazed at the changes I see not only in my body, but also in my mind.  As stated before, I am a closet binge eater, and sugar, candy, chips, cookies are all my weaknesses. I am the one in charge of grocery shopping, so it was very easy for me to buy a bag of Twizzlers and stash them in my car for only me to enjoy. However these days, it's different. Sometimes, I stop and stare at the candy, tempted to grab a bag and say I'll just "have a few" but we all know I'd eat that whole bag! Instead, I ask myself, "Is it worth it?" I think of the workouts I do where I push myself so hard I almost throw up or think of the people who inspire me who have the same struggles as I do. Is it worth the $2.99 bag of Twizzlers. No!
  I find myself doing this often...resisting the urge to just eat it all! Don't get me wrong, I do have cheat days where I ask myself "Why did I do that?" H…

My A-ha! Moment

I think everyone on their journey to healthy has that a-ha moment where they realize they need to make changes. It can be a big wake up call like a health problem or a little one like when their clothes start feeling tight. Mine was a little bit of both.
  As I stated before I am a closet binge eater. That means I eat, a lot and alone. I would eat candy and cookies in my car, in my office, when Ricky wasn't home I would eat pints of ice cream. When I was kicking butt in 2013, I got rid of most of my big girl clothes because I said I wouldn't need them. Well, I did and eventually outgrew those to a size 28. I left my job at State Farm in September and started my job at Centier Bank in October. I thought that with my work schedule and lack of stress, losing weight shouldn't be a problem. WRONG! I continued to eat crappy, not exercise because 5A.M. was too early and I was too tired to workout after work. It wasn't long before I started getting numbing, tingling sensati…

Introduction

Hello, and thank you for checking out my blog! I always find writing is so therapeutic whether its for a good or bad reason.  I started this blog to chronicle my life going on 30, but if you read any of the posts, it was one hell of a roller coaster. It's been almost a year since I have written anything, and my last entry was me going down the unhealthy spiral. Sadly, that spiral didn't stop until January of this year.

I am getting ahead of myself so allow me to tell you a little more about me. I am 32 years old born and raised in LaPorte, Indiana. I currently live in Mishawaka, Indiana with my boyfriend Ricky. We have 2 adorable cats together, Oliver and Sophia. We've been together since August 2013, and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I currently work as a 911 Dispatcher which I just started at the end of January. Before that I worked at State Farm, Family Video, Catherine's and Hilton Inn.

I have battled with my weight most of my…

Step 1: The Purge

I have been wanting to write this post for quite sometime. There has been a lot that I need to confess and get off my chest, but I simply haven't had the time....or that could be an excuse to not face my inner demons. However after a margarita or two, I've decided it's now or never. I may kick myself in the butt tomorrow for this, but maybe I will wake up feeling anew.

  Last year I went on this ass kicking healthy me 2013 campaign. It was great, I lost almost 50 pounds, I found the confidence I had lost so long ago. I felt empowered over my health and my life. When I first started dating Ricky, I kept up my healthy habits. Then, in October, I got promoted to manager at the video store. It was an exciting new chapter in my crazy career at Family Video, but I didn't realize the challenges that were ahead when it came to my health. For starters, my home was in a time zone an hour ahead of where I worked. So, by the time I got home from work after a 45 minute commute, i…

Sometimes When You Know, You Know. Ya Know?

I tend to take a few months hiatus between posts which is pointless with a blog. I'm supposed to update once a week or something like that, right? Ah well, it's better to leave a few months in between for me because if I wrote an entry once a week, I don't know if I would have much to say! However, this time around, I have some catching up to do (unless you're a friend of mine on Facebook...then you probably are caught up for the most part!)
  So, let's see...ah yes, my dating life that I "put on hold" was my last topic of discussion. I was seeing someone, but it didn't work out. I decided to put myself back on Match.com and Plenty Of Fish just to put myself out there. I wouldn't make an effort to contact someone, but if a guy contacted me that I'd be interested in, then I would respond. Great plan, right? Unfortunately, Plenty Of Fish offered mostly creepers. I went on a couple of dates that didn't become anything. Again, I was okay by …

God Causes All Things To Work Together For Good

To say that God works in mysterious ways is an understatement. My recent struggles in my life have been why God has allowed certain things happen (heartbreak, car accident, Bruizer, rejection, etc.) When I look for a shoulder to lean in, I am told, "All things will work itself out and this hurt will one day make sense." Honestly, I have wanted to just punch a wall every time I heard this. Of course, I was angry and felt like I was being tested in my faith, sanity, and how strong my heart really was. Today, things are starting to make sense. My sister Carrie is right...God was just protecting me.
  Let's start with the heartbreak. From previous blogs, I have mentioned a guy that I talked to, we got together, hit it off, and then he threw me what I now call his "sales pitch" as to why a relationship wouldn't be a good idea. I say sales pitch because that is what he does for a living. A few weeks, he suddenly has a girlfriend he is crazy about. I was furious…