Saturday, April 25, 2015

Getting Stronger Every Day

  I am approaching the 5th month into my journey to a healthy me, and I am amazed at the changes I see not only in my body, but also in my mind.  As stated before, I am a closet binge eater, and sugar, candy, chips, cookies are all my weaknesses. I am the one in charge of grocery shopping, so it was very easy for me to buy a bag of Twizzlers and stash them in my car for only me to enjoy. However these days, it's different. Sometimes, I stop and stare at the candy, tempted to grab a bag and say I'll just "have a few" but we all know I'd eat that whole bag! Instead, I ask myself, "Is it worth it?" I think of the workouts I do where I push myself so hard I almost throw up or think of the people who inspire me who have the same struggles as I do. Is it worth the $2.99 bag of Twizzlers. No!
  I find myself doing this often...resisting the urge to just eat it all! Don't get me wrong, I do have cheat days where I ask myself "Why did I do that?" However, the days where I really dive off the deep end are few and far between. I am feeling more in control, a feeling I honestly don't think I have had in a really long time. I allowed food to control me and my life, but now I'm taking that power back.
  I also have been more honest with myself and holding myself accountable for EVERY thing I eat. When I would have cheat days, I would not log it. "It's fine, I am not going that crazy" I would tell myself. Then the next day was another cheat day. "I'll just change my weigh in day or skip it this week and start fresh Monday." This was the constant pattern for me. I'd hold steady for a few months, and then just blow it all. This time, on days that I even blow it all, I still write it down and see the damage I have done. Again, it helps me think twice about having a piece of candy or cake.
  I am trying not to brag or sound conceited because I know I will continue with the struggle for the rest of my life. Right now, I am just proud of myself because of where I am. I have a very long road when it comes to how much more weight needs to be lost, but I certainly enjoy celebrating the little victories along the way. Make sure you do too. Sometimes, we get lost to what the big picture is that we forget to enjoy the little things.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

My A-ha! Moment

  I think everyone on their journey to healthy has that a-ha moment where they realize they need to make changes. It can be a big wake up call like a health problem or a little one like when their clothes start feeling tight. Mine was a little bit of both.
  As I stated before I am a closet binge eater. That means I eat, a lot and alone. I would eat candy and cookies in my car, in my office, when Ricky wasn't home I would eat pints of ice cream. When I was kicking butt in 2013, I got rid of most of my big girl clothes because I said I wouldn't need them. Well, I did and eventually outgrew those to a size 28. I left my job at State Farm in September and started my job at Centier Bank in October. I thought that with my work schedule and lack of stress, losing weight shouldn't be a problem. WRONG! I continued to eat crappy, not exercise because 5A.M. was too early and I was too tired to workout after work. It wasn't long before I started getting numbing, tingling sensations in my left arm. It happened out of the blue, and it happened frequently. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't have insurance so going to a doctor was out of the question, but I was worried and so was Ricky. I then started freaking out about what else could go wrong...blood clots, my heart, diabetes, stroke...I knew I had to make a change. A-ha!
  God knows how many times I woke up hating life, hating myself, hating my body, and hating the fact that I let myself go. I cried so many times. I missed out on so much in the last year because I didn't want to face the people who cheered me on before. I didn't go fishing with Ricky or his dad, I didn't go out to sing karaoke, I didn't go to many family events. I didn't enjoy life. Food was my weapon of choice and I felt like I was committing a slow suicide with each spoonful of ice cream I ate, each bag of jelly beans, each box of cookies. Food was controlling my life yet again.
  I now realize that this struggle will be forever. I could go back to my old habits at the drop of a hat and not think twice about it. What makes my journey today so different is I have the eyes and ears of so many people who have similar struggles. We are there for each other, and that has saved me so many times. I have resources to help me understand is my body hungry or just my emotions?  Are the jelly beans really worth the 5 points? I am more aware of what my weaknesses are and how to keep those binge urges at bay. Working out has been my saving grace when I feel stressed or emotional along with writing out what I struggle with.
 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Introduction

Hello, and thank you for checking out my blog! I always find writing is so therapeutic whether its for a good or bad reason.  I started this blog to chronicle my life going on 30, but if you read any of the posts, it was one hell of a roller coaster. It's been almost a year since I have written anything, and my last entry was me going down the unhealthy spiral. Sadly, that spiral didn't stop until January of this year.

I am getting ahead of myself so allow me to tell you a little more about me. I am 32 years old born and raised in LaPorte, Indiana. I currently live in Mishawaka, Indiana with my boyfriend Ricky. We have 2 adorable cats together, Oliver and Sophia. We've been together since August 2013, and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I currently work as a 911 Dispatcher which I just started at the end of January. Before that I worked at State Farm, Family Video, Catherine's and Hilton Inn.

I have battled with my weight most of my life. I never really learned portion control as a kid. I just thought I needed to eat the ENTIRE box of the family size mac and cheese or an ENTIRE bag of Starburst jelly beans. I never really savored each bite either. I ate as if some troll was going to snatch it from me any second. My saving grace for a few years was the love of basketball I had starting in the 5th grade ending my senior year of high school. I stayed active, stayed in decent shape until I got cut my junior year. It was a devastating blow, and the pounds crept on. I was cut again my senior year, but joined the swim team to keep me active. By the time I graduated high school, I weighed 250 pounds.

My freshman year of college was a blur to be completely honest. A month into school, my father took his own life. It was a shock to me, and I didn't cope the way I should have. I found comfort in food, alcohol, and guys. About 6 months after my dad's death, I met a guy who kept me grounded and handled my crazy well. We started dating, and I decided it was time to get healthy. So, during summer break, I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. I lost 25 pounds, wore an Old Navy size 18, and looked & felt pretty good. Then, I returned to school and was introduced to the world of radio and became addicted to music, concerts, and all the parties that followed. The guy & I broke up only to get back together a few months later. I ended up gaining 40 pounds after that...thanks a lot Ben & Jerry.

The struggle continued all through my 20's. Up and down, up and down. I did every diet you could think of: Atkins, Fat Smashers, low carb, high carb, taco bell...I did them all! I learned that every time I got out of a serious relationship, I managed to drop the weight and tell myself "Never again" and then I would meet a great guy and gain it all back. Friends...that is exactly why I am here today!

In 2010, I met my ex Patrick while living in Alabama. He was a teacher living in Tennessee. He went through his own healthier journey, losing over 100 pounds on his own through diet and exercise. I honestly didn't expect us to get together, but we did. We ended up being together for 2 1/2 years but didn't work out for many reasons. One of them, was because of my health. While we were together, it was discovered that I had tarsal coalition which is where my tarsal bones in the back of my foot are abnormally connected. This causes a lot of pain when I am on my feet for too long and a lot of swelling on top of it. I still deal with it today, and do plan on fixing it, but at the time of diagnosis, I couldn't afford surgery or taking time off work. So, I dealt with it, and at the end of each shift, I was in pain. Once I was down, I was down. On top of my ankle problem, we both gained the "happy weight" which caused stress as Patrick didn't want to fall back to his old ways. So, we both would work on getting healthy. However, it just didn't stick...we were long distance, I worked weird hours, and when I was home by myself, I would binge eat. Hell, the night he broke up with me, I had driven to Sonic and got burger, fries, a large sundae. He showed up unannounced, and I hid the food before opening the door. Yeah...it was bad.

I spent the rest of 2012 trying to pump myself up to become this fabulous new me. I was determined to be this smokin' hot lady by her 30th birthday which is December 1st. I moved from Tennessee to Paducah Kentucky, and was miserable because I was alone. I ended up eating my emotions some more, and by January 2013, I weighed 322 pounds. I knew changes needed to be made. So, I started up Weight Watchers online, worked out, stayed true to myself, and by May 2013, I lost almost 50 pounds. I felt amazing, confident, and in control.

I moved back in with my mom and step-dad May 2013, and met Ricky August 2013. It was a whirlwind start because just 2 weeks into our relationship, I moved in with him! Guess what came along with that? You guessed it, weight gain! From moving in with him until December 2014, I gained 100 pounds. I kept lying to myself with each pound that crept on. "Oh I will start next week and lose like 10 pounds right away"-"This bag of jelly beans won't kill me"-"I will start fresh tomorrow" and before you knew it, I tipped the scale at 382 pounds wearing a size 26/28 and 4x in shirts.

Okay, so that is my introduction to me. I will hopefully write a couple times a week. I hope that people come across my blog and know that they are not alone in the struggle. Its something I will have keep under control for the rest of my life. I can't just lose the weight then go back to my old ways expecting to stay healthy. I have an Instagram account (journey_to_wonderwoman shameless plug I know) and have met so many fabulous people who help keep me inspired. 

Thanks for joining me on my journey.