Monday, June 24, 2013

God Causes All Things To Work Together For Good

  To say that God works in mysterious ways is an understatement. My recent struggles in my life have been why God has allowed certain things happen (heartbreak, car accident, Bruizer, rejection, etc.) When I look for a shoulder to lean in, I am told, "All things will work itself out and this hurt will one day make sense." Honestly, I have wanted to just punch a wall every time I heard this. Of course, I was angry and felt like I was being tested in my faith, sanity, and how strong my heart really was. Today, things are starting to make sense. My sister Carrie is right...God was just protecting me.
  Let's start with the heartbreak. From previous blogs, I have mentioned a guy that I talked to, we got together, hit it off, and then he threw me what I now call his "sales pitch" as to why a relationship wouldn't be a good idea. I say sales pitch because that is what he does for a living. A few weeks, he suddenly has a girlfriend he is crazy about. I was furious, hurt, and felt used. I haven't spoken to him, removed his # out of my phone and Facebook. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My good friend visits from out of town, and she is still Facebook friends with this guy. She asks, "Have you heard the craziness that has gone on with him and his girlfriend?" Turns out, they were on again, off again, and on again. While they were on again, this girl gets a tattoo down her ribcage with his name on it! It's huge!! A week or so later he dumps her. What the hell, right? This is the crazy God was protecting me from. His impulsive behavior and cannot make up his mind with what he wants, his yo yo relationship, and the fact that he let this girl get a huge tattoo with his name on it (the second one who has done this by the way) just to dump her a week or so later. So, last Wednesday, guess who I get a text from? That's right...this idiot! He was seeing how I was since it's been so long since we've talked. Um, yeah there is a reason for that. I never responded and I have no intention to. I deserve better than this.
  To ignore the text was a big step for me. I am a forgiving person...too forgiving to be honest. I felt like a champ to not respond to the text. However, I had another distraction which I feel God placed in my life so I wouldn't go back. In my last blog, I mentioned how I am putting dating on hold, and I had cancelled my subscription. I still had a couple weeks left for guys to message me, and this one guy did. We've been talking for a few weeks, and we just had our first date Saturday. It went really well, and I had a great time. Whether or not this turns into something, I think he was in my life at the perfect time. It's nice to have a good distraction.
  A couple weeks ago, my mom was in a bad car accident. She got t-boned on the driver side by a van who flew over a hill at an intersection. She was driving my step-dad's truck, and if she was driving her car, she wouldn't be here. By chance she was driving the truck because she was supposed to pick up mattresses for my nephews. She was hurt pretty bad, and she is still recovering. It will be a long process, but she has me and my step-dad to help around the house. "Thank God Ashley is there." is the most common phrase used. Who knew that I would be needed as well with this move! Oh wait, God did! 
 In other news, the insurance rep for the guy who hit me came by my work to pick up some paperwork regarding my injuries. He offered me a settlement amount. It's not the amount I was hoping for, and I don't intend to accept. If anyone has advice for this matter, please feel free to leave it! I don't want to be greedy by any means, but I don't want to screw myself over by settling then having something come up later. 
 My journey to a healthier me is still going strong. Each day I feel better about myself, and I am starting to see a difference in my ankle a little bit. I still am in pain, but it's not as intense and recovery time is shorter. I am so close to 50 pounds down! I am hoping this week is my week!
 I hope all of you awesome readers are doing well and have a great week!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Please Wait While I Put You On Hold, Love Life

  It's been a little over a year since Patrick & I broke up, and since then I have had one guy that had a chance to make something happen, and most of you know how that ended up. As time has passed, and my lack of luck in the dating world continues, I found myself down that bitter road. I looked onto other couples with jealousy, looked at people who are ugly on the inside have the happiest life, and I look at me asking the same question, "Why not me?" or "When is it my turn?" I see all of the guys I dated who hurt me and were so awful about it happy with their new girl, and I just am alone. No dates, no guy chasing after me, nothing. The worst part is, I keep telling myself God has a plan for me, and to just be patient. With each passing day, I felt bitter, angry, upset with God. I'd sit in church listening to the message, and last week was about how when life seems to be so difficult, rest assure that it will get better. I just cried. When will it get better?
  I joined Match & Christian Mingle because I am a glutton for rejection punishment. I told myself, "Try it for one month, and see how it goes." Well, it went absolutely nowhere! It left me frustrated because the guys who liked me were not the ones I wanted, and when there was a mutual interest, I'd initiate the conversation just to get ignored. So, of course I decided to give that up because again, I was feeling that negativity I hate so much.
  Suddenly, just a few days ago, a sense of relief came over me like I was at peace. God knows when I need moments like these, and it reminds me that He is listening & there for me. Then, the logical side of me kicked in.  Right now, I am in no place to start dating. There is so much I need to get in order before considering going on any dates such as getting a new car, getting my finances in order, continue getting healthy, oh and there is living with my parents. I don't want to rush fixing myself just so I can date again. I still find myself a catch, please don't think I am trying to get sympathy. I am beautiful, funny, smart, and easy to love. I know this! I just don't feel comfortable with where I am in my life, and I need time to get myself to where I want to be. So, love life, I am putting you on hold for a bit. I used to be scared that I am 30 and still single with no sign of settling down, but now, I am fine with it. I don't want to feel marriage and having children is on a deadline. If I am meant for either, it will happen.
 I think my biggest struggle in all of this, is the fact that most of my friends have families of their own, so when I want company or girl time, it's difficult to find. Sometimes I feel left out because I can't relate to the family life they have. The silver lining is that when it is my turn, I have a lot of friends to lean on for advice and tips!
 In other news, I am down 45.4 pounds! Woop woop! I am REALLY proud of myself with my health accomplishments this year. My biggest fear was when my car accident happened, I was going to fall back into my old habits, especially since I couldn't work out and friends were bringing me dinner, taking me out, and I was emotionally eating to keep myself from crying all the time. I gained about 9 pounds after my accident, and after I moved back home, I got right back into my healthy habits. I am loving the girl I am seeing in the mirror. I am gaining confidence, seeing results, and even feeling sexy ha! I think once I get to my year mark or goal weight, I will share my very first before picture. It's amazing how far I have come. I am not comfortable with sharing it just yet.
 I get to go to the chiropractor on Friday to get my back checked out. The doctor was correct when he said I would have back and neck problems. I feel occasional pain here and there, and I want to get it checked out as the guy who hit me insurance is calling and wanting to see how I am and talk about a settlement. I don't want to rush it because if I have anything wrong that will affect me in the future, I want to make sure I have money to get it taken care of. I am hoping nothing major is found and my healing can finish up sooner than later.
 See, this post was a little more upbeat, right? :)