Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sometimes When You Know, You Know. Ya Know?

  I tend to take a few months hiatus between posts which is pointless with a blog. I'm supposed to update once a week or something like that, right? Ah well, it's better to leave a few months in between for me because if I wrote an entry once a week, I don't know if I would have much to say! However, this time around, I have some catching up to do (unless you're a friend of mine on Facebook...then you probably are caught up for the most part!)
  So, let's see...ah yes, my dating life that I "put on hold" was my last topic of discussion. I was seeing someone, but it didn't work out. I decided to put myself back on Match.com and Plenty Of Fish just to put myself out there. I wouldn't make an effort to contact someone, but if a guy contacted me that I'd be interested in, then I would respond. Great plan, right? Unfortunately, Plenty Of Fish offered mostly creepers. I went on a couple of dates that didn't become anything. Again, I was okay by that, but I started to feel frustrated. Then, Ricky came along...and I have been all smiles ever since.
  Ricky and I met via Match.com. We started exchanging e-mails, and chatted every day. We hit it off very well, and a week after we started talking, we had our first date. I was super excited and nervous, and to start it off I was 10 minutes late. I told him I was just keeping in suspense (ha!) but he was forgiving. He brought me flowers (was the first guy to bring me flowers on the first date!) I could tell we were both nervous...I wouldn't shut up and he just listened. The original agenda was to go to dinner, then to a Silverhawks game. However, his car had a different plan for us! We were going to ride together, but his car wouldn't start. First we thought it was low on gas, got some gas in the car, and it still wouldn't start. He kept his cool, eventually fixed the problem, but it was too late to get to the game. So, plan B was bowling and a movie. We had a lot of fun, but I am horrible at reading people, and I honestly wasn't sure if Ricky liked me. I was starting to feel super nervous because I really liked him.
  After bowling, I asked Ricky to take a picture with me to remember our first date (although how could I forget!) Afterwards he kissed me, and that was it for me. I felt at ease knowing that he liked me too, and I was able to enjoy the rest of our date even more. I honestly didn't want the night to end, but it had to. I was on cloud 9, and honestly have been ever since.  
  It's already been a month, and I have been spending a lot of time with him and he is simply amazing. We have met each other's families. I love his family! We have had lunch with my family, dinner with Carrie & Dan, and we always seem to have a good time. Of course meeting the family can be nerve-wrecking, but after the first meeting, I feel comfortable and at home around them. They are so loving and supportive. This past Sunday I went to his church, and it reminds me a lot of Brentwood Baptist which was the church in Tennessee I loved so much. I had yet to find anything like it or a church where I felt the way I did at Brentwood.
  A lot of people get "comfortable" when they meet their person. In my history of dating I did that a lot. I would not take care of myself like I used to. Looking back at pictures when I was with Patrick, I let myself go until the very end of our relationship. I had my moments where I would lose weight, but with Patrick it was because he would threaten to leave me if I didn't change not because I WANTED to make those changes. I have been on my journey to a healthier me since January and although I haven't been as on track with my eating & working out, I have not let myself go. Ricky makes me WANT to continue to be healthy and be a better person. He doesn't make me feel like I have to because he accepts me for who I am now. What an awesome feeling this is! There are a lot of firsts for me so far, and the way I feel is a first.
  In other news, I found out the other day that I will be the new manager at the LaPorte Family Video starting October 1st. The current manager will be moving to Texas to be closer to her family, and she will be transferring to a Family Video there. I am really excited for this opportunity because I learned so much during my time in the south, and I can really be the manager I am supposed to be. I am in such a better place than I was a year ago mentally and physically. I have a better support system, I know my customers, and I honestly feel at home and as if I belong. I really feel a lot of good things are about to unfold or will continue to unfold, and I am just so thankful for it.
  Another cool note, I just read on Facebook that Restaurant Impossible is coming to LaPorte! They are going to work on a restaurant called Seven. I am anxious to see how it turns out. I used to work there when it was Reed's, and I know the owner after that didn't do well. Obviously, Seven is having some trouble, but Chef Robert Irvine is amazing! If the decor is still the same or similar it can definitely use a nice makeover. It will be nice publicity if all goes well. Yay LaPorte!
  Football season is here, and I am loving it! I am actually participating in my fantasy football league this year, and man! I suck so far! I am 10th out of 12, but hopefully I can catch back up this week. We'll see if my risky moves in my roster pay off.
 Until next time, friends! Go Irish, Go Bears, & Roll Tide!

Monday, June 24, 2013

God Causes All Things To Work Together For Good

  To say that God works in mysterious ways is an understatement. My recent struggles in my life have been why God has allowed certain things happen (heartbreak, car accident, Bruizer, rejection, etc.) When I look for a shoulder to lean in, I am told, "All things will work itself out and this hurt will one day make sense." Honestly, I have wanted to just punch a wall every time I heard this. Of course, I was angry and felt like I was being tested in my faith, sanity, and how strong my heart really was. Today, things are starting to make sense. My sister Carrie is right...God was just protecting me.
  Let's start with the heartbreak. From previous blogs, I have mentioned a guy that I talked to, we got together, hit it off, and then he threw me what I now call his "sales pitch" as to why a relationship wouldn't be a good idea. I say sales pitch because that is what he does for a living. A few weeks, he suddenly has a girlfriend he is crazy about. I was furious, hurt, and felt used. I haven't spoken to him, removed his # out of my phone and Facebook. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My good friend visits from out of town, and she is still Facebook friends with this guy. She asks, "Have you heard the craziness that has gone on with him and his girlfriend?" Turns out, they were on again, off again, and on again. While they were on again, this girl gets a tattoo down her ribcage with his name on it! It's huge!! A week or so later he dumps her. What the hell, right? This is the crazy God was protecting me from. His impulsive behavior and cannot make up his mind with what he wants, his yo yo relationship, and the fact that he let this girl get a huge tattoo with his name on it (the second one who has done this by the way) just to dump her a week or so later. So, last Wednesday, guess who I get a text from? That's right...this idiot! He was seeing how I was since it's been so long since we've talked. Um, yeah there is a reason for that. I never responded and I have no intention to. I deserve better than this.
  To ignore the text was a big step for me. I am a forgiving person...too forgiving to be honest. I felt like a champ to not respond to the text. However, I had another distraction which I feel God placed in my life so I wouldn't go back. In my last blog, I mentioned how I am putting dating on hold, and I had cancelled my Match.com subscription. I still had a couple weeks left for guys to message me, and this one guy did. We've been talking for a few weeks, and we just had our first date Saturday. It went really well, and I had a great time. Whether or not this turns into something, I think he was in my life at the perfect time. It's nice to have a good distraction.
  A couple weeks ago, my mom was in a bad car accident. She got t-boned on the driver side by a van who flew over a hill at an intersection. She was driving my step-dad's truck, and if she was driving her car, she wouldn't be here. By chance she was driving the truck because she was supposed to pick up mattresses for my nephews. She was hurt pretty bad, and she is still recovering. It will be a long process, but she has me and my step-dad to help around the house. "Thank God Ashley is there." is the most common phrase used. Who knew that I would be needed as well with this move! Oh wait, God did! 
 In other news, the insurance rep for the guy who hit me came by my work to pick up some paperwork regarding my injuries. He offered me a settlement amount. It's not the amount I was hoping for, and I don't intend to accept. If anyone has advice for this matter, please feel free to leave it! I don't want to be greedy by any means, but I don't want to screw myself over by settling then having something come up later. 
 My journey to a healthier me is still going strong. Each day I feel better about myself, and I am starting to see a difference in my ankle a little bit. I still am in pain, but it's not as intense and recovery time is shorter. I am so close to 50 pounds down! I am hoping this week is my week!
 I hope all of you awesome readers are doing well and have a great week!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Please Wait While I Put You On Hold, Love Life

  It's been a little over a year since Patrick & I broke up, and since then I have had one guy that had a chance to make something happen, and most of you know how that ended up. As time has passed, and my lack of luck in the dating world continues, I found myself down that bitter road. I looked onto other couples with jealousy, looked at people who are ugly on the inside have the happiest life, and I look at me asking the same question, "Why not me?" or "When is it my turn?" I see all of the guys I dated who hurt me and were so awful about it happy with their new girl, and I just am alone. No dates, no guy chasing after me, nothing. The worst part is, I keep telling myself God has a plan for me, and to just be patient. With each passing day, I felt bitter, angry, upset with God. I'd sit in church listening to the message, and last week was about how when life seems to be so difficult, rest assure that it will get better. I just cried. When will it get better?
  I joined Match & Christian Mingle because I am a glutton for rejection punishment. I told myself, "Try it for one month, and see how it goes." Well, it went absolutely nowhere! It left me frustrated because the guys who liked me were not the ones I wanted, and when there was a mutual interest, I'd initiate the conversation just to get ignored. So, of course I decided to give that up because again, I was feeling that negativity I hate so much.
  Suddenly, just a few days ago, a sense of relief came over me like I was at peace. God knows when I need moments like these, and it reminds me that He is listening & there for me. Then, the logical side of me kicked in.  Right now, I am in no place to start dating. There is so much I need to get in order before considering going on any dates such as getting a new car, getting my finances in order, continue getting healthy, oh and there is living with my parents. I don't want to rush fixing myself just so I can date again. I still find myself a catch, please don't think I am trying to get sympathy. I am beautiful, funny, smart, and easy to love. I know this! I just don't feel comfortable with where I am in my life, and I need time to get myself to where I want to be. So, love life, I am putting you on hold for a bit. I used to be scared that I am 30 and still single with no sign of settling down, but now, I am fine with it. I don't want to feel marriage and having children is on a deadline. If I am meant for either, it will happen.
 I think my biggest struggle in all of this, is the fact that most of my friends have families of their own, so when I want company or girl time, it's difficult to find. Sometimes I feel left out because I can't relate to the family life they have. The silver lining is that when it is my turn, I have a lot of friends to lean on for advice and tips!
 In other news, I am down 45.4 pounds! Woop woop! I am REALLY proud of myself with my health accomplishments this year. My biggest fear was when my car accident happened, I was going to fall back into my old habits, especially since I couldn't work out and friends were bringing me dinner, taking me out, and I was emotionally eating to keep myself from crying all the time. I gained about 9 pounds after my accident, and after I moved back home, I got right back into my healthy habits. I am loving the girl I am seeing in the mirror. I am gaining confidence, seeing results, and even feeling sexy ha! I think once I get to my year mark or goal weight, I will share my very first before picture. It's amazing how far I have come. I am not comfortable with sharing it just yet.
 I get to go to the chiropractor on Friday to get my back checked out. The doctor was correct when he said I would have back and neck problems. I feel occasional pain here and there, and I want to get it checked out as the guy who hit me insurance is calling and wanting to see how I am and talk about a settlement. I don't want to rush it because if I have anything wrong that will affect me in the future, I want to make sure I have money to get it taken care of. I am hoping nothing major is found and my healing can finish up sooner than later.
 See, this post was a little more upbeat, right? :)

Friday, May 24, 2013

Just This Side of Heaven is a Place Called Rainbow Bridge

  Let's see if I can get through this without crying (doubt it) but damn it, my make up looks really good right now, and I honestly don't want to mess it up! I've already had a good cry once today, I am ready to be done with crying to be honest. It is what it is...all part of the grieving process, I know. I just want to feel better.

  This last month have been extremely emotional as most of you already know. Five days after my car accident, I took Bruizer in to have his two front paws declawed & get him updated with his shots as we were getting ready to move up to Indiana. Bruizer still couldn't control his claws well at the time, and this was the best option since my mom has very nice furniture & two other cats who are declawed. Bruizer of course hated the whole car ride, peed in his carrier (thank goodness I was prepared and had the car lined with towels!) and when I got him in, he was still anxious but okay. I filled out the paper work, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him & that I would see him in a couple days. A couple of hours later, as I was opening the video store, I get a call from the vet. After the surgery, Bruizer had a heart attack. He stopped breathing, but they revived him, and he was in an oxygen room to assist his breathing. I was a wreck all day. I kept my composure the best I could. I just kept praying to God not to take Bruizer. He's my buddy & I needed him. The vet called me every few hours for progress reports. Things were looking up, but we were not out of the woods yet. He was breathing on his own, but the real test was when the anesthesia wore off. We would know in the morning.
  I cried myself to sleep that night because I was so scared to lose Bruizer. I honestly felt my heart wouldn't be able to handle this loss. I just lost my car, got my butt kicked in this car accident, and now the one thing that has kept me sane through my emotional life roller coaster this past year may leave me too. I cried all morning getting ready for work, and with each passing minute that I knew the vet was in the office, but hasn't called meant it could be bad. Sadly, I was right.
  As I got ready to open the video store Thursday May 2nd, I get a call from the vet. Bruizer didn't do well once the anesthesia wore off...he stopped breathing, they revived, and it resulted in brain damage. He couldn't even stand without assistance. He was no longer my Bruizer Bear...the crazy cat with so much life and love. I had a decision to make. I either let him go, or try to help him recover. In some cases, cats have been able to bounce back, but most cases they weren't. I was devastated. I called my mother, keeled over the counter at work barely able to breathe or control my crying. I was to head to the vet after my shift at work to make the most difficult decision of my life. I knew what I had to do, and my heart was so broken. Why was this happening to me is all I could ask God. Why am I being put through so much at once? I don't think I can survive this much stress. All I could ask was for God to give me strength to not lose my mind.
  I was getting to the vet as quickly as possible. I was 10 minutes away when I got a call from the vet. Bruizer started having seizures, and he was not responding to the treatment to get him to stop. The vet went ahead and put him down so that he wouldn't suffer. I was so angry with God. Why couldn't I have been able to hug him one last time, and let him hear me tell him how much I loved him and how much he means to me. Why couldn't I say goodbye? Why did he have to be taken away from me like this when I needed him so much? I went to the vet, and she was amazing. The conclusion was, he had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia they used. There was no test or anything I could've done to prevent this. This was just a freak of nature. She brought Bruizer, and I just held him and cried. All I could do was say "I love you" and "I'm so sorry" The vet held me and cried with me. The hardest thing was walking out of that office because that was my final farewell. I have been an on and off wreck ever since.
  I am truly blessed to have good people in my life. I went to my State Farm's office to work on my claim, and my friend Leslie who is also the office manager just let me cry & hugged me. My friend Kimberly came over with dinner & helped pack/throw away any of Bruizer's belongings like his food dishes and litter boxes. She packed up his toys, and let me cry. Megan, who watched Bruizer while I was away was there for me whenever I needed her. She kept me company, went out for dinner or something fun, and just listened to me and let me be a hot mess. God blessed me with such a good friend in Megan. I am thankful we met because we helped keep each other sane when our lives seemed to be unraveling.
  A little over a week after Bruizer died, I was headed home for good. I am so glad to be home, especially after how the last couple of weeks in Paducah went down. I still feel an emptiness in my heart where Bruizer should be. There are a lot of firsts that I am experiencing that cause me to cry. For example, today after my work out, I went on the floor in the living room to stretch. Bruizer usually joined me, and laid on his back when I did for crunches. I miss that. I laid down and he wasn't next to me. I felt my heart break all over, and cried. My mom's cat Ozzy came over, laid beside me, and kissed a tear off my face.
  It's true what they say, God doesn't give you something you cannot handle. He had more faith in me than I did in myself. No matter what angle I look at why Bruizer was in my life and why he was taken away absolutely sucks. He would've been two years old in July. He brought so much joy not only in my life, but in those who had the honor of meeting him. Three weeks ago yesterday, I lost him. Sometimes the pain feels brand new, but I know he is in a place where he has other cats to play with and so many birds to chase after. A week ago, the vet's office all sent me a sympathy card. Everyone signed it, and the vet wrote a message for me. It warmed my heart and made me cry. Enclosed was this poem below. Until we meet again, Bruizer Bear. I love & miss you so much.

 Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. 

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. 
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. 
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. 

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. 
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. 

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 


Sunday, April 28, 2013

Bruised but Not Broken

  I am ready for April to be over to be honest. Only three days of this month is left, and I am so excited for May to be here. Not only have I been hurt, but friends & family that I love and care about have been hurting. I hate seeing those I love cry or feel heartbreak. I just hope May brings a lot more sunshine in our lives.
  The boy who made me smile a few months ago, managed to make me cry. I think I am more mad at myself for allowing him to hurt me or think that he was a decent guy. He proved to me otherwise. The one thing I really don't like is being lied to or being fed BS to avoid hurting me. When he decided not to pursue a relationship with me, he kept saying how he likes me and it's just his job. How this decision was really hard for him but he didn't want us to fail and burn bridges with me if there was a chance for us in the future. We talked off and on afterwards, but not as much. I don't hear from him for a couple weeks, and I decide maybe it's just time to let go. Of course the day after I decide that I hear from him briefly. The day after that, I find he is with another girl. He doesn't have the decency to tell me. I was hurt, but mainly furious. I was used, led on, lied to, and feeling the way I was afraid I was going to feel if I opened up to someone. Those bridges have burned to ashes as a friend or any other relationship. I plan to never speak to him again.
  Friday night I was in my first car accident ever. I was on my way to meet my friend Megan at Sweet Cece's. I was coming straight from Mayfield. I was crossing an intersection where my light was green, and a van ran a red light and t-boned me on the passenger side. My car spun, and hit head on with the guard rail. Now, this intersection is an overpass, and my car hit the guard rail going maybe 10-15 mph. All I remember is screaming, trying to brake with no luck, and praying to God that the guardrail would hold. If it didn't, I would've gone off the edge, onto another highway, and not have made it. I was a hot mess. My glasses had flown off, I lost a shoe, and I was just scared out of my mind. I called Megan in a panic to let her know what happened, she came to help me. A car stopped to help find my glasses and tried to keep me calm. The other people were okay. Megan took me to the ER, and by then I was calm trying to laugh and not be a mess. I have chest contusions, really bad bruising, a little burn rash from the seat belt, and random bumps and bruises on my legs and arms. I will take this over being dead. My car is in bad shape. I honestly don't know if they will consider it totaled or not. Tomorrow I get a rental until my car situation gets figured out. I am hoping this doesn't delay my moving plans.
  I went to LaPorte for a day to drop off a car load of my things and meet with the manager at the Family Video so we can get to know each other. I didn't get to see many people, but fear not! Only 12 more days (I hope!) and then I am home! Let's party :)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Someday Soon, I'll Find You. Someday Soon, I'll Know You.

It's been almost three months since my latest entry. Believe it or not a lot has happened! I took a two month leave from Facebook. I felt myself going back to the dark feelings of jealousy and resentment. I LOVE seeing updates from people who I've known for years. We're all at that age where people are getting married, having kids, getting engaged, etc. Then, there is me...30 and single with zero dates since Patrick and I broke up. Hell, I haven't even been asked out on an actual date. It kind of kills the confidence. So, I needed a break to really focus on me. A lot of good came of it especially with my health. I even got to feel butterflies again, smile, and blush like a little school girl.

First, let's start with my health. I started back up on Weight Watchers, and I got into a routine of working out. So far, it has really paid off. I have lost 34.8 pounds, I am looking good, I am feeling good, and it's just an all around good feeling. My ankle isn't hurting as bad which helps my daily life. I don't feel as constricted with what I do every day. Maybe one day I can find myself running on the treadmill again :)

Ah, butterflies. To have that feeling again was amazing. Not only was it nice to talk to a guy that makes me smile, but to know I am capable of having that feeling again is refreshing. A few friends and family know the reason behind this. A guy I went to high school with and I started talking, and we ended up liking who we were getting to know. He sent me roses on Valentine's Day, was so sweet, and made me feel beautiful. He came and visited me, and we hit it off really well. I was excited to see what the future had in store. Unfortunately, it wasn't much. He has a job that demands a lot of his time and requires a lot of traveling far away, so to try to start a relationship wasn't a good idea. So, we've decided to stay friends. I won't lie, I was really bummed. I thought things were falling into place, but in the end, a lot of things unfolded that would work against us. Hey, I gained a new friend, so not all is lost, right?

I try to keep optimistic about my dating life, or lack there of. Someday, maybe I will have my cinematic moment where a guy sees me, and instantly knows he just has to have me. Or, if he tries to let me go, realizes he is a freaking idiot and turns right around. I don't know...I keep praying about it, and I really just need to focus on my relationship with God. He has a plan, and I just need to trust Him. Yes, I keep telling myself this because I am just ready to share my life with someone. Life's a happy song, when there is someone by your side to sing along. (yes, that is from the Muppets.)

I got to visit my family in Indiana for a weekend. I got to meet my friend Jennifer's beautiful baby girl Kennedy, hang out with my sister Carrie & boys, and my mom & step-dad. I realized how ready I am to be home. So, with that being said, I am happy to share that next month, I will be moving back to LaPorte! I am really excited! I just can't wait to be close to my family & friends again. This is just what I need...to surround myself with love and positive vibes. Plus, I will have support all around, which is what I lack in Paducah. When I have a bad week, which the last couple of weeks have been rough, I have been alone. I have cried my eyes out with Bruizer on my lap, and it's just not the same. I need people on my side, who want to see me succeed in whatever I do, and I have one person here. I'm going to miss her like crazy.

That sums it up about what's been going on with me. My next blog entry will probably be when I am back in Indiana. Yay!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year!

2013 is here, and I honestly am so excited about the new year! I feel there are going to be a lot of changes in my life, and I am ready to embrace them.

For starters, and my friend Megan will be so proud of me, I got on my Facebook, and I deleted anything associated with Patrick. The best part, I didn't shed one tear. It's time to really let go. I heard from his parents over Christmas. They sent me a card with a really sweet letter wishing me the best & letting me know that they were thinking of me, especially since both of our football teams are playing in the championship game. I held onto that letter until yesterday, when I decided to throw it away. Its time to officially move on from this. It's been seven months, he has moved on, and now, I can say that I am.

Next, I am going to go gazelle with my money. My plan is to have ankle surgery when I move in September, which means I will be out of work for at least 6-8 weeks. That means, no income during that time so it's time to pay ahead on bills and save that money! Therefore, I am on the hunt for a part time day shift job so I can get my money matters straightened. Hopefully a desk job, so that way I can sit and not kill my ankle.

I want to speak my mind more. I don't do that enough. I may feel a lot less stressed out if I do that. I'm not talking about in a bad way either, but like if I'm interested in a guy, I want to have that insane courage to kiss him goodnight on a date or let him know I like him.

Of course, there is my health/weight loss. How about I just update my progress, and you guys can keep encouraging me? Deal?

Happy New Year, everyone!