It's been a little over a year since Patrick & I broke up, and since then I have had one guy that had a chance to make something happen, and most of you know how that ended up. As time has passed, and my lack of luck in the dating world continues, I found myself down that bitter road. I looked onto other couples with jealousy, looked at people who are ugly on the inside have the happiest life, and I look at me asking the same question, "Why not me?" or "When is it my turn?" I see all of the guys I dated who hurt me and were so awful about it happy with their new girl, and I just am alone. No dates, no guy chasing after me, nothing. The worst part is, I keep telling myself God has a plan for me, and to just be patient. With each passing day, I felt bitter, angry, upset with God. I'd sit in church listening to the message, and last week was about how when life seems to be so difficult, rest assure that it will get better. I just cried. When will it get better?
I joined Match & Christian Mingle because I am a glutton for rejection punishment. I told myself, "Try it for one month, and see how it goes." Well, it went absolutely nowhere! It left me frustrated because the guys who liked me were not the ones I wanted, and when there was a mutual interest, I'd initiate the conversation just to get ignored. So, of course I decided to give that up because again, I was feeling that negativity I hate so much.
Suddenly, just a few days ago, a sense of relief came over me like I was at peace. God knows when I need moments like these, and it reminds me that He is listening & there for me. Then, the logical side of me kicked in. Right now, I am in no place to start dating. There is so much I need to get in order before considering going on any dates such as getting a new car, getting my finances in order, continue getting healthy, oh and there is living with my parents. I don't want to rush fixing myself just so I can date again. I still find myself a catch, please don't think I am trying to get sympathy. I am beautiful, funny, smart, and easy to love. I know this! I just don't feel comfortable with where I am in my life, and I need time to get myself to where I want to be. So, love life, I am putting you on hold for a bit. I used to be scared that I am 30 and still single with no sign of settling down, but now, I am fine with it. I don't want to feel marriage and having children is on a deadline. If I am meant for either, it will happen.
I think my biggest struggle in all of this, is the fact that most of my friends have families of their own, so when I want company or girl time, it's difficult to find. Sometimes I feel left out because I can't relate to the family life they have. The silver lining is that when it is my turn, I have a lot of friends to lean on for advice and tips!
In other news, I am down 45.4 pounds! Woop woop! I am REALLY proud of myself with my health accomplishments this year. My biggest fear was when my car accident happened, I was going to fall back into my old habits, especially since I couldn't work out and friends were bringing me dinner, taking me out, and I was emotionally eating to keep myself from crying all the time. I gained about 9 pounds after my accident, and after I moved back home, I got right back into my healthy habits. I am loving the girl I am seeing in the mirror. I am gaining confidence, seeing results, and even feeling sexy ha! I think once I get to my year mark or goal weight, I will share my very first before picture. It's amazing how far I have come. I am not comfortable with sharing it just yet.
I get to go to the chiropractor on Friday to get my back checked out. The doctor was correct when he said I would have back and neck problems. I feel occasional pain here and there, and I want to get it checked out as the guy who hit me insurance is calling and wanting to see how I am and talk about a settlement. I don't want to rush it because if I have anything wrong that will affect me in the future, I want to make sure I have money to get it taken care of. I am hoping nothing major is found and my healing can finish up sooner than later.
See, this post was a little more upbeat, right? :)