Thursday, April 16, 2015

My A-ha! Moment

  I think everyone on their journey to healthy has that a-ha moment where they realize they need to make changes. It can be a big wake up call like a health problem or a little one like when their clothes start feeling tight. Mine was a little bit of both.
  As I stated before I am a closet binge eater. That means I eat, a lot and alone. I would eat candy and cookies in my car, in my office, when Ricky wasn't home I would eat pints of ice cream. When I was kicking butt in 2013, I got rid of most of my big girl clothes because I said I wouldn't need them. Well, I did and eventually outgrew those to a size 28. I left my job at State Farm in September and started my job at Centier Bank in October. I thought that with my work schedule and lack of stress, losing weight shouldn't be a problem. WRONG! I continued to eat crappy, not exercise because 5A.M. was too early and I was too tired to workout after work. It wasn't long before I started getting numbing, tingling sensations in my left arm. It happened out of the blue, and it happened frequently. I was scared out of my mind. I didn't have insurance so going to a doctor was out of the question, but I was worried and so was Ricky. I then started freaking out about what else could go wrong...blood clots, my heart, diabetes, stroke...I knew I had to make a change. A-ha!
  God knows how many times I woke up hating life, hating myself, hating my body, and hating the fact that I let myself go. I cried so many times. I missed out on so much in the last year because I didn't want to face the people who cheered me on before. I didn't go fishing with Ricky or his dad, I didn't go out to sing karaoke, I didn't go to many family events. I didn't enjoy life. Food was my weapon of choice and I felt like I was committing a slow suicide with each spoonful of ice cream I ate, each bag of jelly beans, each box of cookies. Food was controlling my life yet again.
  I now realize that this struggle will be forever. I could go back to my old habits at the drop of a hat and not think twice about it. What makes my journey today so different is I have the eyes and ears of so many people who have similar struggles. We are there for each other, and that has saved me so many times. I have resources to help me understand is my body hungry or just my emotions?  Are the jelly beans really worth the 5 points? I am more aware of what my weaknesses are and how to keep those binge urges at bay. Working out has been my saving grace when I feel stressed or emotional along with writing out what I struggle with.
 

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