Saturday, April 19, 2014

Step 1: The Purge

  I have been wanting to write this post for quite sometime. There has been a lot that I need to confess and get off my chest, but I simply haven't had the time....or that could be an excuse to not face my inner demons. However after a margarita or two, I've decided it's now or never. I may kick myself in the butt tomorrow for this, but maybe I will wake up feeling anew.

  Last year I went on this ass kicking healthy me 2013 campaign. It was great, I lost almost 50 pounds, I found the confidence I had lost so long ago. I felt empowered over my health and my life. When I first started dating Ricky, I kept up my healthy habits. Then, in October, I got promoted to manager at the video store. It was an exciting new chapter in my crazy career at Family Video, but I didn't realize the challenges that were ahead when it came to my health. For starters, my home was in a time zone an hour ahead of where I worked. So, by the time I got home from work after a 45 minute commute, it'd be close to 9P.M. Ricky would wait for me to have dinner, and most nights, I didn't feel like cooking, so we'd order pizza or go out to eat. Other nights, I'd be in so much pain from my ankle that I wouldn't sleep very well because I had spent most of the night crying in pain praying to God that he'd let me sleep for just a few hours. I never wanted to wake up early to workout before work, and the pain I was in certainly didn't put me in the mood to workout after work. Add that to poor decision making with eating, and the pounds came back on...a lot of the pounds. In fact, all of the weight I had lost has come back on and then some. I feel like a failure not only to myself, but to the cheerleaders in my life that kept me motivated. I look in the mirror, and I am disgusted. I am so blessed to have a man that still sees me as beautiful, but he deserves the healthier me. The girl he fell in love with when I was so happy, full of life, and not consumed with self hatred and guilt because I let my unhealthy habits get this far. I feel on the verge of giving up on myself and everything that matters to me. I don't even want to see family or friends because I am ashamed.

  This winter was quite a bitch in the northern states as everyone who doesn't live under a rock knows. So much, that I decided I couldn't continue my career at Family Video (among other factors like the time zone difference, my ankle, my health, my sanity)  I loved my job, but I was not the manager that store deserved. At the end of the day, I'd be in so much pain that I just left. I could have spent more time with my staff, but instead, I was ready to go home, get off my feet, and spend time with Ricky. I didn't show the pain I was in at work every day unless it was unbearable. Ricky had to deal with my tears, my anger, my frustration...he hated seeing me in pain. We both knew it was time for a change. So, I started searching for a new job, and after a long time of searching, accepted a position at State Farm as a client representative. Why State Farm? Well, I have State Farm insurance, and I was thinking of while living in Kentucky how my SF lady Leslie was one of the few people there for me when I needed her the most. She called me while I was in the emergency room after my car accident, and when I said goodbye to Bruizer, she was the first place I went to. I want to be someone's Leslie although hopefully not for the same reasons! I want to help people make sure they are protected when life throws challenges even if it's something as simple as renter's insurance. Family Video and State Farm have the same views when it comes to their customers, so I feel at home here. The hours are great even if I have to stay late. I get Sundays off so Ricky and I can go to church, and I am off by 2p.m. on Saturdays I work. I can eventually get into a routine with working out, working, cooking, etc. It's a nice change, but of course there's the money.

  I made pretty good money at Family Video, so taking the job at State Farm was a pay cut...a pretty big one. It wasn't a shock as Ricky and I both knew this was going to happen. I still can't help but feel terrible when I have to ask him to help me with a bill because my paycheck wasn't enough or I spent too much on groceries. He's been absolutely amazing and supportive. Starting off in sales, its tough because I need to build my business, and that doesn't happen overnight. When I left Family Video, I told them I would be more than willing to help out at stores if needed, but with this job, it's difficult. I can't just tell a client, "Sorry, I can't sell you this policy because I have to be out by this time." Plus, I don't want to work on Sundays because I really want to belong to a church and be active. Not to mention, the whole healthy me routine wouldn't work out if I closed the video store at midnight and tried to wake up at 5. I was also excited about my new job because I wanted to start focusing on my Mary Kay business on the side, but I need business and money to order my product and inventory which is something I don't have. I know I am beating myself up, and I shouldn't. I am way too hard on myself, I know, but I just wish I didn't feel so worthless. All I can think about is money, and how I am going to pay certain bills.

 Today as I was looking into lowering my car payments, cashing in my small 401k that I have, I broke down in tears and just prayed. I have felt so heavy and filled with darkness, that I just surrendered asking God for guidance and help. I want to see light, feel happy, smile, and be joyful of every day I wake up instead of stressed, disgusting, and worthless. I'm no good with hiding how I feel, so I feel all I have done lately is cry and not be cheerful. I feel so alone. I feel so disconnected from the very few friends I have left, and I am so afraid that I am just going to be another forgotten soul. I have already let go of people in my life that I held on for dear life, but didn't do the same for me. I guess I have come to realize who my true friends are anymore, and honestly, aside from blood family, I have a handful of people I know I could count on. What sucks, and this is selfish of me, is that they live far away and/or have husbands & families of their own. I feel left out in a lot of life events because I don't have a husband or any kids. Some days, I feel I can never get to that point because I don't want to rush to get married or have kids when I am barely hanging on with just supporting myself. My sister Carrie did say the best thing she could which was, "We can make all the plans we want, but God is making the decisions. Trust Him." It's a reminder that I need to stop worrying and dwelling, and trust God. He knows how many times I have questioned Him about the direction I was going or the strength I had to handle difficult situation. You'd think I would've learned by now.

  After praying today I felt better. That is until I went fishing and Ricky caught three fish, and I caught none. I still enjoyed the beautiful weather and the amazing scenery outside the apartment. I feel better as I am concluding this blog because I show my moments of weakness with the random negative Facebook status updates, and I am sure some loved ones are curious as to where this comes from. Well, here it is. I can be very self destructive with my attitude or outlook on myself, and this is my therapy. First step for me is to just let it all out, and I can go from there.

3 comments:

  1. i love you cousin! wish we could be closer.

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  2. I hope you have a beautiful Easter.

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  3. I love you too! Me & Ricky will have to plan a visit down south sometime in the future! I hope you had a beautiful Easter as well! It's sunny and 75 here :)

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