How Did I Read the Stars so Wrong?

Day 2: Don't worry, I am not going to blog each day after this break up. I feel this may be my therapy for awhile so I don't feel like I am repeating myself to every person. I hate breaking down in front of people. I know it's okay too, but I just hate it. I am all smiles, but so far, I am all tears.

I know this break up has come to be a surprise for a lot of my friends and family. Patrick and I rarely fought, we always seemed happy, and I thought this was going to be forever. So what happened? I am sure that when he was telling me how he wasn't happy with me Monday night, I was listening with angry and heartbroken ears. He was ready to start his life, and he felt I was emotionally ready, but everywhere else I wasn't. He didn't want to marry me until I had my college degree which could be five years until that happened...he didn't want to wait that long. Our work schedules never went together, and he doesn't want to be Mr. Mom when we have kids. The way I react to my ankle...how I am in such pain when I get home but while working (from what he has seen) I am just fine. In could go on, but all in all....I'm not good enough. I'm not debt free...not even close. Of course I am working towards it, but it won't happen overnight. I am not healthy...my ankle gives me hell, and I am sure as I continue to lose weight it will get better. To me, Patrick feels he can find someone who is in better shape than me all around that has a Monday-Friday 8am-5pm job. I'm not trying to make him an asshole, and I know that perception is reality. However, I am failing to look at this any other way. He just kept digging for reasons for this not to work. I have lost the energy to fight. Being long distance was hard...we couldn't keep consistent with our habits. I told him it would get easier once we lived together. He didn't' want that either.

I put my notice at Old Navy today. There honestly is no point of working there anymore since my plans have changed. My last day there is tomorrow. I'm really bummed because I did enjoy that job. However, other opportunities have knocked, and I am going to take it. One of the silver linings of this break up is now the sky is the limit with where I can go. These past few months, I have been sweating the fact that there were no plans for a Family Video to be built in the Spring Hill area. When August came, would I have a store to go to? Now, who cares?! I can go anywhere! I want to move up and eventually be a district manager. Now, I am not restricted!

Driving home from work tonight was more difficult than I thought. When working at Old Navy, I'd stay at Patricks. So, when I drove past the exit I would usually take to go to his house, the heart crushing began. You know that feeling where it feels like someone has grabbed your heart, wrung it out like a sponge, then punch you in the chest which knocks the wind out of you and you can barely breathe? That is how I feel about 10 times throughout the day and also how I felt when I drove by that exit. It's gotta get easier, right?

I have been blessed with so much support via texts, messages, and calls. It's not easy to talk about, but if I keep it bottled up, I may explode. If I keep repeating the story, I may explode. Patrick wasted no time to list himself as single, remove my friends & family from his friends list. I know me...I would torture myself if I kept him as a friend. Therefore, I removed him as well as his friends and family. I wasn't doing it to be childish. I didn't want his friends to feel the need to choose. Besides, they were his friends before he met me. I will miss them dearly. One of the couples we hung out with are expecting a baby boy in October. I was excited to plan a baby shower for the mom to be.

I guess the next step in the process of getting over this is just to focus on me. Figure out what I want to do. Make goals for myself health, financial, career, and personal. Focus on building stronger relationships with God, my family, and my friends. I am hoping to make a trip up to LaPorte during 4th of July. It will be nice to get away.

I should make it known that the 2 years and almost 3 months with Patrick will be cherished. I have no regrets. Of course the bitter side of me wants to say it was a waste, but I am grateful for the time we had together. God knows how much I am going to miss him and the people who was in my life that he introduced me to along the way. I feel not only did I lose him but I lost another family. I lost a part of my life I was so looking forward to living.

This is so difficult for me to type. I've had about three breakdowns along the way. I really wish my dad was here. I want to just call him and have him tell me what a fool Patrick is and any guy would only be so lucky to have me...imperfections and all. Since my dad died I have had a constant battle with myself when it comes to romance and relationships. With each failure, I feel that something is wrong with me...like I'm unloveable. I know it's absurd to think such a thing. I do recognize that I am a great person with a lot to offer.

Yeah, I think it's time to get me to be happy with me. Then, that inner battle I have with myself will cease. It's time to be comfortable in my own skin and get by on my own. I just need to make sure babysteps are taken....babystep 1. Let all the tears out