Journey to Wonder Woman

  Today is my last day as a 34 year old.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and this subject has been weighing on my mind and heart.  I wanted to share this personal story not to seek attention or sympathy, but to hope that I help someone who is struggling.  I've been seeing a lot of news about suicides and attempted suicides which breaks my heart, and this year I became more active in suicide prevention and mental health awareness. During my 35th year of life, I hope to continue to help and be more involved. This is where I'm starting...here is my story.   Please bear with me as I've written and deleted this a hundred times because I wasn't ready. This is me not holding back...and a lot of those close to me probably don't know this side of me or didn't realize how deep it ran. Here I go...   I've known/lost three people to suicide, and I've known people who have lost loved ones to suicide.  The hardest one for me to deal with was my fa...

  I am approaching the 5th month into my journey to a healthy me, and I am amazed at the changes I see not only in my body, but also in my mind.  As stated before, I am a closet binge eater, and sugar, candy, chips, cookies are all my weaknesses. I am the one in charge of grocery shopping, so it was very easy for me to buy a bag of Twizzlers and stash them in my car for only me to enjoy. However these days, it's different. Sometimes, I stop and stare at the candy, tempted to grab a bag and say I'll just "have a few" but we all know I'd eat that whole bag! Instead, I ask myself, "Is it worth it?" I think of the workouts I do where I push myself so hard I almost throw up or think of the people who inspire me who have the same struggles as I do. Is it worth the $2.99 bag of Twizzlers. No!   I find myself doing this often...resisting the urge to just eat it all! Don't get me wrong, I do have cheat days where I ask myself "Why did I do that?" H...

  I think everyone on their journey to healthy has that a-ha moment where they realize they need to make changes. It can be a big wake up call like a health problem or a little one like when their clothes start feeling tight. Mine was a little bit of both.   As I stated before I am a closet binge eater. That means I eat, a lot and alone. I would eat candy and cookies in my car, in my office, when Ricky wasn't home I would eat pints of ice cream. When I was kicking butt in 2013, I got rid of most of my big girl clothes because I said I wouldn't need them. Well, I did and eventually outgrew those to a size 28. I left my job at State Farm in September and started my job at Centier Bank in October. I thought that with my work schedule and lack of stress, losing weight shouldn't be a problem. WRONG! I continued to eat crappy, not exercise because 5A.M. was too early and I was too tired to workout after work. It wasn't long before I started getting numbing, tingling sensatio...

Hello, and thank you for checking out my blog! I always find writing is so therapeutic whether its for a good or bad reason.  I started this blog to chronicle my life going on 30, but if you read any of the posts, it was one hell of a roller coaster. It's been almost a year since I have written anything, and my last entry was me going down the unhealthy spiral. Sadly, that spiral didn't stop until January of this year. I am getting ahead of myself so allow me to tell you a little more about me. I am 32 years old born and raised in LaPorte, Indiana. I currently live in Mishawaka, Indiana with my boyfriend Ricky. We have 2 adorable cats together, Oliver and Sophia. We've been together since August 2013, and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I currently work as a 911 Dispatcher which I just started at the end of January. Before that I worked at State Farm, Family Video, Catherine's and Hilton Inn. I have battled with my weight most of m...

  I have been wanting to write this post for quite sometime. There has been a lot that I need to confess and get off my chest, but I simply haven't had the time....or that could be an excuse to not face my inner demons. However after a margarita or two, I've decided it's now or never. I may kick myself in the butt tomorrow for this, but maybe I will wake up feeling anew.   Last year I went on this ass kicking healthy me 2013 campaign. It was great, I lost almost 50 pounds, I found the confidence I had lost so long ago. I felt empowered over my health and my life. When I first started dating Ricky, I kept up my healthy habits. Then, in October, I got promoted to manager at the video store. It was an exciting new chapter in my crazy career at Family Video, but I didn't realize the challenges that were ahead when it came to my health. For starters, my home was in a time zone an hour ahead of where I worked. So, by the time I got home from work after a 45 minute commute, ...

  I tend to take a few months hiatus between posts which is pointless with a blog. I'm supposed to update once a week or something like that, right? Ah well, it's better to leave a few months in between for me because if I wrote an entry once a week, I don't know if I would have much to say! However, this time around, I have some catching up to do (unless you're a friend of mine on Facebook...then you probably are caught up for the most part!)   So, let's see...ah yes, my dating life that I "put on hold" was my last topic of discussion. I was seeing someone, but it didn't work out. I decided to put myself back on Match.com and Plenty Of Fish just to put myself out there. I wouldn't make an effort to contact someone, but if a guy contacted me that I'd be interested in, then I would respond. Great plan, right? Unfortunately, Plenty Of Fish offered mostly creepers. I went on a couple of dates that didn't become anything. Again, I was okay by ...

  To say that God works in mysterious ways is an understatement. My recent struggles in my life have been why God has allowed certain things happen (heartbreak, car accident, Bruizer, rejection, etc.) When I look for a shoulder to lean in, I am told, "All things will work itself out and this hurt will one day make sense." Honestly, I have wanted to just punch a wall every time I heard this. Of course, I was angry and felt like I was being tested in my faith, sanity, and how strong my heart really was. Today, things are starting to make sense. My sister Carrie is right...God was just protecting me.   Let's start with the heartbreak. From previous blogs, I have mentioned a guy that I talked to, we got together, hit it off, and then he threw me what I now call his "sales pitch" as to why a relationship wouldn't be a good idea. I say sales pitch because that is what he does for a living. A few weeks, he suddenly has a girlfriend he is crazy about. I was furiou...

  It's been a little over a year since Patrick & I broke up, and since then I have had one guy that had a chance to make something happen, and most of you know how that ended up. As time has passed, and my lack of luck in the dating world continues, I found myself down that bitter road. I looked onto other couples with jealousy, looked at people who are ugly on the inside have the happiest life, and I look at me asking the same question, "Why not me?" or "When is it my turn?" I see all of the guys I dated who hurt me and were so awful about it happy with their new girl, and I just am alone. No dates, no guy chasing after me, nothing. The worst part is, I keep telling myself God has a plan for me, and to just be patient. With each passing day, I felt bitter, angry, upset with God. I'd sit in church listening to the message, and last week was about how when life seems to be so difficult, rest assure that it will get better. I just cried. When will it get b...

  Let's see if I can get through this without crying (doubt it) but damn it, my make up looks really good right now, and I honestly don't want to mess it up! I've already had a good cry once today, I am ready to be done with crying to be honest. It is what it is...all part of the grieving process, I know. I just want to feel better.   This last month have been extremely emotional as most of you already know. Five days after my car accident, I took Bruizer in to have his two front paws declawed & get him updated with his shots as we were getting ready to move up to Indiana. Bruizer still couldn't control his claws well at the time, and this was the best option since my mom has very nice furniture & two other cats who are declawed. Bruizer of course hated the whole car ride, peed in his carrier (thank goodness I was prepared and had the car lined with towels!) and when I got him in, he was still anxious but okay. I filled out the paper work, gave him a kiss, tol...

  I am ready for April to be over to be honest. Only three days of this month is left, and I am so excited for May to be here. Not only have I been hurt, but friends & family that I love and care about have been hurting. I hate seeing those I love cry or feel heartbreak. I just hope May brings a lot more sunshine in our lives.   The boy who made me smile a few months ago, managed to make me cry. I think I am more mad at myself for allowing him to hurt me or think that he was a decent guy. He proved to me otherwise. The one thing I really don't like is being lied to or being fed BS to avoid hurting me. When he decided not to pursue a relationship with me, he kept saying how he likes me and it's just his job. How this decision was really hard for him but he didn't want us to fail and burn bridges with me if there was a chance for us in the future. We talked off and on afterwards, but not as much. I don't hear from him for a couple weeks, and I decide maybe it's ...

It's been almost three months since my latest entry. Believe it or not a lot has happened! I took a two month leave from Facebook. I felt myself going back to the dark feelings of jealousy and resentment. I LOVE seeing updates from people who I've known for years. We're all at that age where people are getting married, having kids, getting engaged, etc. Then, there is me...30 and single with zero dates since Patrick and I broke up. Hell, I haven't even been asked out on an actual date. It kind of kills the confidence. So, I needed a break to really focus on me. A lot of good came of it especially with my health. I even got to feel butterflies again, smile, and blush like a little school girl. First, let's start with my health. I started back up on Weight Watchers, and I got into a routine of working out. So far, it has really paid off. I have lost 34.8 pounds, I am looking good, I am feeling good, and it's just an all around good feeling. My ankle isn't hu...

2013 is here, and I honestly am so excited about the new year! I feel there are going to be a lot of changes in my life, and I am ready to embrace them. For starters, and my friend Megan will be so proud of me, I got on my Facebook, and I deleted anything associated with Patrick. The best part, I didn't shed one tear. It's time to really let go. I heard from his parents over Christmas. They sent me a card with a really sweet letter wishing me the best & letting me know that they were thinking of me, especially since both of our football teams are playing in the championship game. I held onto that letter until yesterday, when I decided to throw it away. Its time to officially move on from this. It's been seven months, he has moved on, and now, I can say that I am. Next, I am going to go gazelle with my money. My plan is to have ankle surgery when I move in September, which means I will be out of work for at least 6-8 weeks. That means, no income during that time so i...

   Wow, it has been a few months since I have blogged. It's honestly probably for the best because honestly, I think my posts would have been nothing but dark and sadness, and that's just not me. Most who have read my Facebook posts until recently have probably picked up that I haven't been my normal upbeat, positive self.   The transition from Tennessee to Kentucky was a lot harder than I thought. I was very emotional because a lot of reminders of Patrick still surfaced even hours away. When football season started, I was watching the Alabama game at Bdubs, and I just found myself crying at the bar. My heart started breaking all over again because I just couldn't help but think of how much I loved watching football with Patrick and his family. Then, I found out he had already met someone new...I found myself so angry. I was asking God how in the world could a man who told me how I am not good enough be able to find love, and here I was so alone.  On top of that, t...

Hellooooooooooooooo Paducah! This week starts off my first week at my new store here in Paducah, Kentucky. For the time being, I am staying at a hotel, and enjoying cable television. I just went grocery shopping today because as awesome as it may sound, eating out two of the three meals a day suuuuuuucks! Not only does it burn a hole in my wallet, but it's burning a hole in my stomach. Ugh! I am up for a lot of hard work for my store, but I am up for the challenge. I already know I will have nights where I will cry, throw air punches, kick imaginary people, but in the end, it will all be worth it. I have an amazing support system, and I am truly blessed no matter how bad things may seem in my eyes. My career downside is that I am very hard on myself with expectations. That could be a bad thing while I get this store in order...I may have to learn to relax just a little. One of the many amazing things about my store is that it has a Stay Fit 24! That means I have no freaking exc...

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve blogged! Tonight, I need to kick off the week with positive energy. My heart has been very heavy for the past few days because of the awful things happening to the good people around me. I have been keeping those who are hurting in my thoughts & prayers every day hoping God will help get them through their grief while having those hurting keep their faith. I know it’s difficult to keep strong in faith when something terrible happens in your life. We don’t understand, and in return, we are angry with God. Believe me, I know. However, God is there to help you get through it, He is there for you to talk to, yell at, or cry to, and love you. I don’t think what has happened is always God’s will as some people state, but I know He is there to help you grieve and heal. Anyways, back to my subject line, little victories! Too often I look at the big picture of my goals thinking I am getting nowhere, and I ignore the little victories I have. For example...

  I have been visiting my family and friends in LaPorte since this past Monday. It has been wonderful catching up with them since most of them I haven't seen since May '11. I still feel 7 days is not enough time for a visit since there are still so many people I have yet to see. If you are one of those people, I am so sorry. I will be back in November for Thanksgiving (hopefully) and who knows, maybe my next move will be closer to LaPorte.   Aside from my nice vacation, I have kept busy with work. I started training another MIT, which I am very excited about. Wednesday we will be organizing and cleaning the store, which will help me tremendously so I can concentrate on training the staff. I am enjoying my time off now because I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have two new hires starting this month, and will be looking to hire a few more.   At the end of August, I will be moving. Where? I have no idea right now. It honestly can be anywhere. My Regional Manager asked me...

Wow...it has been close to two weeks since the break up. Time has really flown by! I think I am doing a good job with keeping myself busy with my job as well as trying to better myself. I grieved the relationship for a good week, and it is now time to pick myself back on and move on. It's been three days since my last cry. It's hard when I am talking about the why of the break up because of how I perceive it. I still get the heart punches now and then, but it's nothing I can't handle. I think little things will remind me of Patrick, and I will get little heart punches. I just won't let it bring me down. I should disclaim for Patrick's sake, that I was his first serious girlfriend. I have a thing of having a dating history of guys who have never been in a real relationship. Lucky for them, what has been the case for my exes is the next girl they have met has ended up being who they married. Unlucky for me, I am left brokenhearted and still single. Anyways, m...

Day 2: Don't worry, I am not going to blog each day after this break up. I feel this may be my therapy for awhile so I don't feel like I am repeating myself to every person. I hate breaking down in front of people. I know it's okay too, but I just hate it. I am all smiles, but so far, I am all tears. I know this break up has come to be a surprise for a lot of my friends and family. Patrick and I rarely fought, we always seemed happy, and I thought this was going to be forever. So what happened? I am sure that when he was telling me how he wasn't happy with me Monday night, I was listening with angry and heartbroken ears. He was ready to start his life, and he felt I was emotionally ready, but everywhere else I wasn't. He didn't want to marry me until I had my college degree which could be five years until that happened...he didn't want to wait that long. Our work schedules never went together, and he doesn't want to be Mr. Mom when we have kids. The wa...

Wow it has been a long time since I have updated! Patrick and I survived the 9 day detox. I lost 12 pounds and he lost 11. We have been on phase 2 since Wednesday which means we can have a little bit of meat, some unsweetened cereal and more oatmeal along with the other foods from detox. As of today, I am down 14.2 pounds. I am feeling great! My urge to pig out has decreased greatly,and I have had little urge to cheat. I have been faced with temptation and kept strong. All in all, I am very proud of me and Patrick. I honestly don't think I could have done it alone. I am blessed to have a supportive man in my life who supports me and helps me get to healthy. Along with feeling better about myself inside and out, I have felt honored to inspire others. That keeps me motivated to keep going and continue to share my success. I still have a long road ahead but I know I can continue going down down down in weight and up up up in confidence. For those who are curious about the plan I am ...

  It has been a while since I have blogged. It was a mixture of being busy with work and being lazy while I was home. When I was done working, I wanted to end the night by doing absolutely nothing, so I did. Now I am wrapping up my third and final day off until Thursday. I figured, it's time to be more productive!   My weight loss adventure has been up and down. I'd be lying if I said I was tracking EVERYTHING I ate or that I was 100% good. I wasn't. It's been two weeks since I have worked out, and it sucks. I don't get as much of a work out at work because I have to sit whenever I am not showing a customer where a movie is or showing them around the store. All in all, I am stuck in a rut. Therefore, starting tomorrow I am doing Phase 1 of the Fat Smashers Diet which is a nine day long detox. It consists of eating as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I want, drinking all the water I can, limited oatmeal, brown rice, yogurt, egg whites, etc. I did it before a few ...